Kevin the Aldi Christmas Carrot is proving to be the ultra-popular figure the entire country can unite behind in order to deliver a successful Brexit, according to reports.
Together with his team Harry the Horse Radish and Ronnie the fucking Runner Bean, Kevin is set to replace Theresa the Terrible Negotiator to secure a deal that’s right for everyone.
Kevin, a hardworking family root vegetable, is believed to have the necessary experience of making an empty plate appear full and of lying to Brussels – that’s the sprouts, not the town in Belgium, kids.
The essential source of Vitamin C and other nutrients has already received Labour’s backing, assuming he meets their six tests of being firm, not overlooked, orange in colour and a Hamas sympathiser.
Meanwhile, Britons have formed massive queues outside supermarkets to pick up the few remaining Kevin-related items, which is something they had better get used to.
Kevin said, “Brexit means Brexit, albeit Brexit in a rich, sumptuous gravy and a side order of potatoes roasted in goose fat. Mmmmmmmm.
“I know that the oven clock is ticking, but I will deliver a Brexit that allows us to strike trade deals with China, while remaining in a Customs Union and keeping the DUP happy, as far as that is humanly possibly.
“That’s the magic of Christmas, you see. Everything is possible, even when it patently isn’t. You just need to close your eyes and believe.”
EU boss and touchy, exasperated Belgian, Michel Barnier, added, “Pascal the Parsnip? Is zis ‘ow you Eengleesh take ze fucking piss?
“Fuck you and your anthropomorphic vegetables.”