New case of Mad Cow disease detected after Scottish heifer insists no-deal Brexit is a ‘fantastic idea’

author avatar by 6 years ago

A new case of mad cow disease has been confirmed after the animal in question mooed in favour of a no-deal Brexit.

Aberdeenshire prize-breed heifer, Simone Williams, tested positive for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy just weeks after ranting about how migrant bulls were coming to the UK, eating our grass and raping our cattle.

The belligerent animal was also overheard blaming the calloused hands of a Polish farm labourer for turning her milk sour.

Williams has brushed off any economic concerns associated with a no-deal scenario and said she remains “upbeat” about the imposition of a hard border in Ireland because she “feels nostalgic about the IRA and the daily bloodshed that took place on the streets of Ulster”.

As yet, the disease does not appear to have affected adjacent cattle who took a more moderate stance towards the EU and were generally in favour of staying within a Customs Moo-nion.

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DEFRA spokesman, John Goodier, said, “The new test for mad cow disease is far more reliable than the old one.

“We simply ask an animal whether it is in favour of a no-deal Brexit, write down the response, and then wait for some minutes to see if it does a funny dance and its legs collapse.

“We’ve already placed restrictions on the freedom of movement around this particular farm which, ironically, is what this particular cow has been calling for on its Facebook page in upper case letters.”

He added, “So far it hasn’t spread, but earlier we received reports of a five-year-old heifer from the same herd insisting that Thailand is ‘just itching’ to do a trade deal with us, so we’ve taken her in for quarantine.”

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