The ‘great’ British public were left speechless this morning after the brown winner of Bake Off spent his first day as the title holder without blowing anything up.
Talented baker, Rahul Mandal, stormed to victory in Tuesday night’s sixty-minute final episode, which sought in no way to undermine Western values.
The 30-year-old, Rotheram-based research scientist, was also voted Star Baker on three occasions after anxious Bake Off host Prue Leith asked him to clarify his stance on beheadings.
Mandal, meanwhile, confirmed to worried Bake Off viewers that his winning mixture contained 6lbs of sugar, 6lbs of flour and absolutely no Semtex.
The show is no stranger to controversy and previous contestant, Miriam White, was forced to leave the show after blaming the collapse of her soufflé on Polish builders.
Aryan cake fan, Simon Williams, blamed a loonie lefty conspiracy at public broadcaster Channel 4 for the fact that Mandal’s cake tasted marginally better than other more indigenous recipes.
He went on, “Rahul Mandal? The clue is right there in the name. You can clearly tell he’s part of a terrorist sleeper cell – all of you saying things like ‘ISIS aren’t from India’ have clearly just fallen for the obvious smokescreen.
“Are we supposed to believe he’s just a research scientist? Everyone knows that’s ISIS code for chemical weapons builder.”
Mandal added, “My pièce de resistance was the unusual creamy filling for my doughnuts that I found on a recent shopping trip to Syria.
“I’m joking, you twat – I bought it in Tesco.”