The two suspects at the centre of the Skripal scandal are just ordinary tourists who love everything Salisbury has to offer, according to Vladimir Putin.
Such was the magnitude of their unquenched desire, normal Russian civilians, Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Borishov, were prepared to drop everything, board a flight to the UK and return to the motherland that very same day, revealed the Russian leader.
Once described as a must-see by Magenta de Vine, Petrov and Borishov admitted they were lured by the city’s magnificent thirteenth-century cathedral, which houses the Magna Carta and other extremely interesting relics worth getting on a plane and travelling three-thousand miles at a moment’s notice.
Putin said, “Ruslan Borishov and Alexander Petrov have been fans of Salisbury since they were kids, growing up in a housing project on the outskirts of Moscow.
“They would read about its cobbled streets by candlelight, in the few smuggled copies of the Rough Guide that had not been confiscated by the authorities.”
Meanwhile, Alexander Petrov could barely conceal the thrill of setting foot in Salisbury for the first time.
“Ahh Salisbury. What can I say? We would have liked to stay for much longer, but everywhere was booked solid as you might expect for a freezing Tuesday evening in peak February,” he told us.
“Anyway, it’s a small place. You can do everything you need to do in three hours, assuming you don’t waste time administering a lethal nerve agent to an enemy of the state, which we didn’t, obviously.”
Ruslan Borishov said, “Yes, it was fabulous. Did you know that the Greggs pastry shop is one of the oldest in the UK?
“And another thing that people easily overlook are the excellent links to nearby Bath and Southampton.”
He added, “Next week we’re doing Chichester.”