Aliens prepared to intervene over Irish backstop

author avatar by 4 years ago

Creatures from another world are among the latest to suggest Theresa May’s Brexit plan is total wank, it has emerged.

The news follows sightings of multiple saucer-shaped craft off the Irish coast, which hammered out the code for “No hard border in Ireland” using a sequence of lights like in that Steven Spielberg film – no, not the one with the kid on a bike.

Top scientists rushed to decode further messages from the visitors, which included ‘Jacob Rees-Mogg is a posh bellend’ and “No customs checks on anal probes”.

The incident began at 0647 on Friday the 9th of November when a British Airways pilot contacted Shannon Air Traffic Control reporting a series of bright lights, which were ‘clearly sending out a message about Britain’s future relationship with Europe’.

Pilot Simone Williams wanted to know if there were any Irish military aircraft drills operating in the area but was informed that they were all getting plastered in a nearby bar.

Aliens have been regular visits to the Emerald Isle for the past thirty years, due to the huge popularity of Riverdance on their home planet, which agreed to orbit Zeta Reticuli following a bilateral trade deal with nearby Theta Reticuli.

Irish interplanetary expert and alien language translator, Paddy McMahon, who is definitely not just a jumped-up Star Trek fan, said, “An extremely advanced civilisation of super-intelligent beings has dismissed Theresa May’s plan as unworkable and has called for a second referendum.

“Ok, so maybe I added that last bit.

“But get this. In exchange for ditching the Irish backstop and remaining within the Customs Union, the aliens are prepared to offer us a cure for Boris Johnson.”

Shannon resident, Sean O Leary added, “Aliens visiting Ireland. Whatever next!

“Unfortunately I missed the entire spectacle as I was being fondled by a priest throughout its duration.”