Jeremy Hunt pledges to bring back Foot and Mouth disease as it’s ‘part of the countryside’
Jeremy Hunt is willing to see a return of Foot and Mouth disease in a bout of insanity-driven rural nostalgia.
Fears grow for Jeremy Corbyn’s health after he fails to be spotted jogging through London like those other twats
Jeremy Corbyn’s life is thought to be hanging in the balance after rumours that he is unable to run a marathon in under two hours thirty.
Chris Grayling successfully pitches tent at Ashtonbury
Minister of something or other, Chris Grayling, has successfully pitched his tent at the wrong festival site, it has emerged.
John Prescott gives Grim Reaper a firm left hook
The Grim Reaper has had his skeletal jaw dislocated after a run-in with former Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott.
Rory Stewart set to become the wettest Tory on record
Tory leadership contender Rory Stewart is set to be the wettest Tory since records began, according to reports.
Kent suffers record flooding after Michael Gove tries to flush his stash down the bog
The Environment Agency has issued a dire warning of flooding for South Eastern England after Michael Gove tried to dispose of cocaine down his toilet.
Michael Gove vows to axe VAT on small mirrors, glass coffee tables and razor blades
Tory leadership hopeful and cocaine advocate, Michael Gove, is set to axe VAT on selected items in a bid to boost the economy.
Michael Gove thought GDP meant Great Drugs Party
Prime Minister in waiting, Michael Gove, had a very different idea of the Gross Domestic Product after spending the nineties whacked off his tits on beak.
Peterborough residents had no idea what they were voting for, insists irony-free Nigel Farage
The citizens of Peterborough cast their votes in yesterday’s by-election without fully realising the implications of rejecting fascism, according to Nigel Farage.
Prick insists on taking his own f*cking biro into the polling booth
A fucking arsehole is guarding against electoral irregularities by taking his own biro to the polling booth.
Donald Trump convinced Roe vs Wade was legendary 1970’s Wimbledon final
Roe vs Wade was an outstanding tennis match featuring Virginia Wade and someone called Roe, rather than an important piece of abortion legislature, according to Donald Trump.
Witch hunt led by kangaroo court finds scapegoat, insists cock
Former Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson, is the scapegoat of a court led by kangaroos and other marsupials, it has been revealed.
Are you an anti-Semite? Take our interactive test to find out!
As antisemitism accusations once again dominate the news, we ask, are YOU an anti-Semite?
Fracking Tsar resigns after failing to strike balance between collapsing houses and cheap energy
Fracking tsar, Natascha Engel, has quit after being “throttled” by rules which prevent fracking-induced earthquakes strong enough to form new continents.
Anti-vax bellends somehow worried about creating children as amazing as Greta Thunberg
Anti-vax arseholes responsible for the coming measles pandemic are of the opinion that large scale infant mortality problems are better than creating a generation of highly-intelligent autistic children capable of understanding basic science.
‘Any chance of a new kidney unit?’ ask dialysis patients after French billionaires donate 600m Euro to save Notre Dame
Dialysis patients across France are hoping the generosity of the republic’s super-rich might extend to a few extra kidney dialysis units, seeing as they have plenty of cash to spare.
Joey Barton and Barnsley manager clash over Kant’s categorical imperative
Fleetwood Town FC manager and Renaissance man, Joey Barton, has come to blows with rival boss, Daniel Stendel, over the controversial philosophy of eighteenth-century German thinker, Immanuel Kant, it has been revealed.
Terrorism threat reduced to negligible after GCHQ crack Frank Sidebottom’s secret codes
UK citizens will get a sound night’s sleep tonight after Frank Sidebottom’s encrypted data was found to pose no significant threat to sentient lifeforms.
Dalai Lama says ‘f*ck this shit’ to further reincarnations
The Dalai Lama has announced that he will not be doing any further reincarnations on this “totally fucked up planet”, thank you very much.
Back my deal and I’ll cancel Army target practice with your face, May tells Corbyn
Theresa May will order the army to cease practising head shots on Jeremy Corbyn if Labour backs her piece-of-shit deal, it has emerged.
Irish demonstrate once again how to do patriotism without turning it into something shit
Irish people the world over have once again how to be truly patriotic without so much as a deckchair being thrown at a Frenchman in anger.
Theresa May insists Brexit deal isn’t dead, it’s just resting
Theresa May has insisted her Brexit deal is merely resting despite all appearances to the contrary, this morning.
‘Britbox and chill’ to become slang for a shit film and a poorly-executed handjob
Proposed Netflix rival, Britbox, is set to become the new slang for a shit film, followed by a disappointing wank, it has emerged.
Donald Trump asks why anyone would go to war over Cashmere
Super-intelligent US President, Donald Trump, is today wondering why there is so much fuss over a bit of cashmere.
Olivia Colman’s rabbit to get additional security after Glenn Close misses out on another Oscar
Olivia Colman’s pet rabbit “Bobtail” is under twenty-four-hour armed police guard after the British star beat American rival, Glenn Close, to the Best Actress award.
Government to punish those who chose to live under a brutal Tory regime by revoking their EU citizenship
Millions of Britons who chose to live in a country under Tory control are to be brutally stripped of their EU citizenship.
Christian nation to demonstrate its Christian values by forgiving returning jihadi mother and child
Warm-hearted Christian nation, Great Britain, is preparing to adhere to the teachings of its majority religion and welcome back errant IS teenager and proud Mum, Shamima Begum.
Sir Christopher Chope convinced FGM is popular men’s lifestyle magazine
Tory MP, Sir Christopher Chope, has blocked a bid to end FGM, insisting there aren’t enough publications offering general advice on anything from lifestyle to dating tips.
Remainer to try controversial Brexit conversion therapy
EU sympathiser and traitor, Simon Williams, has signed up for expensive Brexit conversion therapy in a bid to blend in with the fifty-two per cent majority of the UK population.
Black man admits wanting to murder ‘some actor bast*rd’ after watching Liam Neeson in Love Actually
A random black man, Simon Williams, wanted to take it out on some actor bastard after his girlfriend forced him to watch Liam Neeson in Love Actually.
