Peterborough residents had no idea what they were voting for, insists irony-free Nigel Farage

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The citizens of Peterborough cast their votes in yesterday’s by-election without fully realising the implications of rejecting fascism, according to Nigel Farage.

Farage insisted voters had no idea the seat was a two-horse racist between the anti-Semitic Labour Party and his particular home-grown brand of fascism-lite, meaning they were unable to make a suitably bigoted choice.

However, when tempted with nice things like jobs and services on one hand and a thousand-year Reich on the other, weary voters rejected a clean break from Europe.

Labour’s Lisa Forbes won a resounding victory after running on a ticket of not being Jeremy Corbyn and by not repeatedly drawing attention to the anti-Semitic Facebook post she recently gave the thumbs up to.

Among the many factors that made Brexiters stay at home were the mass redundancy of car workers in Bridgend, Trump’s offer to ransack the NHS and Stephen Graham’s excellent performance in The Virtues.

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A tearful Farage said, “People clearly didn’t know what they were voting for. How could they? We haven’t announced any policies yet.

“But now, a whole twenty-four hours after the election, we know a lot more about what not voting for the Brexit Party in this particular seat means for the East Midlands, shitholes like Corby and the country as a whole.

“We can see already the damage this uninformed decision has done to my credibility and there is a real danger that Aaron Banks might give his money to someone else.”

He added, “The democratic thing to do would be to put this back to the people of Peterborough and let them have the final say.”