Gary Stanton

Will my local branch of Greggs survive a nuclear war, ask worried Britons

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With the threat of thermonuclear war between Russia and everyone else becoming increasingly possible, Britons have raised concerns about the viability of Greggs in an apocalyptic wasteland.

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Charity shops overwhelmed by sudden surge in donations of M&S waistcoats

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Following England’s 4-0 drubbing at the hands of Hungary, charity shops across the country have this morning been besieged by donations of precision-tailored M&S waistcoats.

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Traumatised American schoolchildren offered safe haven in Ukraine

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American kids at risk of gun violence have been offered sanctuary in the Donbas region of Ukraine, it has emerged today. 

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Tim Westwood to stop talking like a black teenager in case it harms his defence

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Former bad ass DJ Tim Westwood has stunned his legal team by discussing his impending case with a cut-glass accent and received pronunciation this morning.

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Russian flagship Moskva on patriotic new mission to investigate sea bed, insists Kremlin

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The recently hydrated Russian warship “Moskva” has been redeployed to carry out scientific investigations at the bottom of the sea, according to a reliable Kremlin source. 

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Russian cosmonauts were merely paying homage to Everton’s 2013 away kit, insists Kremlin

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Cosmonauts kitted out in the colours of the Ukrainian flag are merely massive fans of perennial relegation-battlers, Everton FC, the Kremlin has claimed.

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Putin goes nuclear with barbaric claim that Ukrainian leader Zelensky wrote material for Michael McIntyre

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Russia’s propaganda machine went into top gear last night with a devastating claim that the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, wrote gags for popular standup act Michael McIntyre.

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Not having kids is ‘selfish’, insists head of world’s largest organised paedophile ring

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Childless couples are selfish to the core of their miserable hearts, says the boss of the world’s largest cabal of nonces, Pope Francis.

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Newcastle boss Steve Bruce lured to Saudi embassy to ‘discuss transfer window’

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Steve Bruce will meet with fifteen loyal associates of Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman at the Saudi embassy later today to “mull over the transfer window”.

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Sir Keir Starmer to defect to the Conservatives after becoming disillusioned with his own leadership

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One of three possible Labour defections to the Tories is rumoured to be party activist Sir Keir Starmer, it has emerged.

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