Tadej Pogacar wins fifth Tour de France without indicating once
Tadej Pogacar has romped to his fifth Tour de France triumph without once bothering to f**king indicate, according to reports.
Bloody skirmishes erupt between Celsius and Fahrenheit factions as heatwave intensifies
Temperatures reached boiling point (100 degrees Celsius) across the UK yesterday as rival Celsius and Fahrenheit users beat each other senseless.
New theory claims Stonehenge was an ancient meeting point for bellends
A stunning new theory proposes that Stonehenge was actually little more than a great place for annoying tossers to congregate during the summer.
Makerfield voters given historic opportunity to tell Nigel Farage to shove it up his hoop
The Makerfield by-election presents a unique opportunity for Makerfield voters to tell Nigel Farage to shove it up his hoop, it has emerged this afternoon.
Ireland once again demonstrates how to do patriotism without turning it into something deeply unpleasant
Irish people the world over are once again demonstrating how to be truly patriotic without so much as a deckchair being thrown at a Frenchman in anger.
Racial name-calling at school was due to my undiagnosed Tourette’s, insists Nigel Farage
Alleged multiple instances of racial name-baiting while at school were part of an ongoing battle with c*nting Tourette’s syndrome, according to Nigel Farage.
World condemns Iranian regime after homeworkers face twentieth day without Internet
World leaders and various media outlets have condemned the sickening plight of Iran’s army of homeworkers who face yet another week of twiddling their thumbs.
United States driving test to include ‘three-point turn while being shot in the face’ manoeuvre
The DMV is to beef up its practical driving test with a module on maintaining control of your vehicle while being murdered by fascists.
Bloody skirmishes erupt between Centigrade and Fahrenheit factions as heatwave intensifies
As temperatures reached boiling point across the UK yesterday, rival Centigrade and Fahrenheit users beat each other senseless.
New theory claims Stonehenge was an ancient meeting point for bellends
A stunning new theory proposes that Stonehenge was actually little more than a great place for annoying tossers to congregate during the summer.
New Chicago Pope confirmed as regular wiseguy
The new Chicago-born pope has been confirmed as some wise guy named Bobby from the precinct, you know what I’m sayin’?
Ireland once again demonstrates how to do patriotism without turning it into something shit
Irish people the world over are once again demonstrating how to be truly patriotic without so much as a deckchair being thrown at a Frenchman in anger.
Joe Biden issues ‘full and unconditional’ pardon for Gregg Wallace
Joe Biden has pardoned former Masterchef host Gregg Wallace after his behaviour drew complaints from middle class women of a certain age.
Americans given historic opportunity to tell Donald Trump to go f**k himself
Americans are today being given a twice in a lifetime opportunity to tell Donald Trump to go fuck himself.
British Transport Police called as Huey Lewis found riding the train without credit card
British Transport Police were called upon earlier today to resolve a dispute involving rock legend Huey Lewis.
Clacton voters given historic opportunity to tell Nigel Farage to shove it up his hoop
The general election presents a unique opportunity for Clacton voters to tell Nigel Farage to shove it up his hoop, it has emerged this afternoon.
Jesus was worried about immigration, insists Nigel Farage
It’s not racist to be worried about immigration because Jesus Christ shares your concerns, according to Nigel Farage.
Thanksgiving turkey pardoned by Joe Biden should face death penalty, insist Republicans
The Thanksgiving turkeys pardoned by President Biden this afternoon should face death by lethal injection after disrespecting the White House with its screeching and defecating, Republican hard-liners are insisting.
Keir Starmer to defect to the Conservatives after becoming disillusioned with his own leadership
Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer is on the verge of defecting to the Tories according to rumours inside the party.
British Transport Police called as Huey Lewis found riding train without credit card
British Transport Police were called upon earlier today to resolve a dispute involving rock legend Huey Lewis.
Jacob Rees-Mogg offers common sense advice to British families fleeing Rhodes wildfires
As a well-established expert in what to do when faced with a deadly fire, Jacob Rees-Mogg has outlined a number of practical steps for people caught in two minds as to whether to perish in the blazes currently affecting large parts of Rhodes.
Faster expansion of the universe blamed on migrants
The universe is about to burst due to the number of migrants flooding in, according to right-wing astronomers.
UK teenager claims to be first victim of an ‘honour grounding’
15-year-old Jake Williams has appeared in public for the first time since the end of April, alleging he is the first UK victim of a so-called ‘honour grounding’ conducted by his vengeful parents Sarah and Simon Williams.
James Webb telescope finds over one-thousand earth-like tax havens
Billionaires may soon be hiding their money on a planet eleven light-years away.
New records reveal Bill Gates and his wife divorced after she discovered his massive 5G surveillance lab
New records reveal Bill Gates and his wife Melinda divorced after she discovered the massive 5G surveillance operation he has been running since lockdown.
Ireland once again demonstrates how to do patriotism without turning it into something shit
Irish people the world over have once again demonstrated how to be truly patriotic without so much as a deckchair being thrown at a Frenchman in anger.
Rastamouse five times more likely to be stopped and searched by police than Fingermouse
Lovable crime-fighting rodent Rastamouse is far more likely to be stopped and searched by police than his low-budget Anglo-Saxon counterpart Fingermouse, according to figures released today.
Scientists warn lab rat with artificially extended life has become very right wing
A lab rat engineered to live well beyond its years has developed some very unsavoury opinions, according to scientists.
Thanksgiving turkey pardoned by Joe Biden should face death penalty, insist Republicans
The Thanksgiving turkeys pardoned by President Biden this afternoon should face death by lethal injection after disrespecting the White House with its screeching and defecating, Republican hard-liners are insisting.
Will my local branch of Greggs survive a nuclear war, ask worried Britons
With the threat of thermonuclear war between Russia and everyone else becoming increasingly possible, Britons have raised concerns about the viability of Greggs in an apocalyptic wasteland.
