Gary Stanton

RNLI donations plummet on revelation that 2% of money raised is spent hauling Daily Mail readers from the Solent

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The RNLI is facing a funding crisis this morning after they let slip that a significant proportion of their budget is pissed away hauling gammons out the Solent.

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Boris Johnson changes pronouns to ‘lying twat’ and ‘bellend’

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Boris Johnson’s pronouns have been officially changed to “lying twat” and “bellend” after he publicly exposed himself as a mendacious spunktruffle.

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Donald Trump fires Michael Bolton

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Donald Trump has mistakenly fired heavily-permed eighties singer Michael Bolton in a move that is sure to displease the mullahs in Tehran.

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Man who spent £30K fighting £100 speeding fine offered role as Brexit Secretary

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A man who spunked his son’s inheritance money up the wall on worthless causes has been offered his dream role of Brexit Secretary.

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London firefighters tackle fresh inferno as Tories begin torching No-deal Brexit documents

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London’s battle-weary weary Emergency Services have been called to Westminster to tackle a mountain of smouldering A4-sized documents marked: “N-D Brexit Impact Assessment: confidential”.

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Shape-shifting lizard community appalled by Prince Andrew nonce allegations

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Self-respecting reptilian shape-shifters have been appalled by suggestions that one of their number might be some kind of nonce, it has emerged.

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Nation that’s unable to keep the power on is exceedingly well-prepared for ‘No Deal’ Brexit

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Once great nation Britain has been forced to admit that optimism is no substitute for a reliable electric current, this morning.

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Man circumcised in hospital mix-up already receiving anti-Semitic abuse from Labour trolls

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A man who was mistakenly circumcised after a routine bladder procedure has been on the receiving end of death threats from anti-Semitic Momentum trolls.

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God finally admits responsibility for creating all blokes called Steve

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Men called Steve in gay relationships or otherwise, can breathe a sigh of relief this morning after God claimed responsibility for them.

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If one is head-butted in a tunnel and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? asks Joey Barton

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Football manager, lover and thinker, Joey Barton, has turned the world of philosophy on its head with a revolutionary thought experiment, while on bail for alleged actual bodily harm, according to reports.

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