Gary Stanton

RNLI rescues Nigel Farage from drowning in his own toxic bullshit

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Former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, has been rescued by the RNLI after being consumed by a tidal wave of his own toxic faeces.

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I won’t play for a ‘discriminated audience’ insists man who happily supported Enoch Powell

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Eric Clapton will no longer play in front of ‘discriminated audiences’ in an astonishing break with a fifty-year tradition, it has emerged.

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Episode of Location Location Location marred by impromptu wildlife massacre

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A couple’s house-hunting adventure has been tarnished by property expert Phil Spencer’s itchy trigger finger.

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Worldwide anger at David Baddiel for singlehandedly funding Israeli strikes on Gaza

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Fucking head-the-balls worldwide are holding popular Jewish comic, David Baddiel, entirely responsible for the Israeli strikes on Gaza, it has emerged.

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Chinese rocket debris crash lands in Keir Starmer’s back garden

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A shit week for Keir Starmer has ended on a low note with Chinese space junk wrecking his expansive back garden.

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Jersey crisis escalates as France axes Bergerac from TV schedules

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As the Jersey crisis threatened to boil over like a carelessly administered Hollandaise sauce, France has vowed to axe all future screenings of classic British detective drama, Bergerac.

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Bill Gates and wife to divorce after she discovers his massive 5G surveillance lab

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Bill Gates and his wife Melinda are running on separate platforms as of this morning, according to reports.

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Tories to replace Boris Johnson with Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

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Boris Johnson – the Laurence Llewelyn Bowen of British politics – is set to be replaced by the real-life flamboyant “homestyle consultant”, according to reports.

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Alarm raised as entire UK finds itself agreeing with Gary Neville

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The whole UK has been placed at Shock Level 2 after citizens found themselves agreeing with Sky Sports gobshite Gary Neville.

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Priti Patel facing ten years behind bars after causing ‘serious annoyance, distress and inconvenience’

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Priti Patel is facing ten years banged up like a slag when her new policing bill is accepted by parliament this week.

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