Gary Stanton

Alarm raised as entire UK finds itself agreeing with Gary Neville

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The whole UK has been placed at Shock Level 2 after citizens found themselves agreeing with Sky Sports gobshite Gary Neville.

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Priti Patel facing ten years behind bars after causing ‘serious annoyance, distress and inconvenience’

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Priti Patel is facing ten years banged up like a slag when her new policing bill is accepted by parliament this week.

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Metropolitan Police announce crackdown on Mothers’ Day celebrations

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Following last night’s exuberance at the vigil for Sarah Everard, the Metropolitan Police are gearing up to teach your Mum an important fucking lesson today.

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Six tomato plants refusing to speak to Prince Charles over Harry

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Prince Charles’ refusal to take calls from his son Harry has spilled over into the plant world, it has emerged.

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Thank f*ck I’m not Keir Starmer, insists Jürgen Klopp

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Out of favour Liverpool FC boss, Jürgen Klopp, is thanking fuck he is not the leader of the Labour Party in this moment.

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Mexico to open its borders to freezing Texans

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Mexico is to dismantle large sections of Donald Trump’s ramshackle wall in a humanitarian bid to save Texan lives, which matter a great deal.

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Chris Grayling to conclude ‘Clap for Captain Sir Tom’ by high-fiving all of his elderly neighbours

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A small area of Islington will see a surge in Coronavirus cases this evening after Chris Grayling takes part in Clap for the Captain Sir Tom.

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First UK vaccine recipient appears on Bill Gates’ mass surveillance system

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The first UK recipient of the Pfizer Covid vaccine has successfully popped up on Bill Gates’ universal monitoring system after a few minor glitches.

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Reclusive Dr P. Shiltoni arrested in connection with Diego Maradona death

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Police have arrested a tall Caucasian man answering only to the name of Dr Pedro Shiltoni in connection with the untimely death of football legend Diego Maradona.

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Americans given historic opportunity to tell Donald Trump to go f*ck himself

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Americans are today being given a twice in a lifetime opportunity to tell Donald Trump to go fuck himself.

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