Gary Stanton

Hong Kong protestors offered British citizenship insist they’d rather be teargassed

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Boris Johnson’s generous offer of citizenship to three million Hong Kong residents has met a subdued response among young people not keen on embracing a far-flung, racist shithole run by a fat, blond arsehole.

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Prince Andrew in Chernobyl-style meltdown after hugely predictable sweat glands failure

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Prince Andrew is threatening large swathes of Europe with nonce-based material after his sweat glands failed yet again to perform their crucial role.

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CNN reports Martin Luther King died of Type 2 Diabetes in addition to a bullet in the head

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Uppity Civil Rights campaigner, Martin Luther King, would most likely be fit and walking around today were it not for the late-onset diabetes that ravaged the 39-year-old gun victim’s body.

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Chris Grayling concludes Clap for the NHS by high-fiving all of his neighbours

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A small area of Islington has seen a surge in Coronavirus cases this evening after Chris Grayling took part in Clap for the NHS.

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Pandemic fears as number of people claiming they were bullied by Priti Patel rises to three

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After a third person came forward with allegations of bullying by Priti Patel, experts fear the problem could be much more widespread.

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Glaswegian scientists discover key way of fighting Coronavirus is to ‘kick its f*ckin’ c*nt in’

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Glaswegian geneticists have discovered a key weakness in Covid-19’s armoury, which may ultimately benefit the whole of humankind.

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Government to reject EU food standards because it’s not like poor farming methods have put the entire future of humanity in doubt

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The government will no longer abide by EU food hygiene standards following Brexit because it’s not like the entire future of humanity has been put at risk by a dodgy Wuhan takeaway, according to reports.

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Priti Patel to deport her own parents under tough new Immigration Points System

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Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has admitted she will need to deport her own parents under her strict new Australian-style points-based system to prevent them from undercutting British workers.

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World’s bellends demand instant vaccine as Coronavirus hits iPhone production

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Planet Earth’s dickheads have demanded an instant vaccine against that Covid-19 thing as it emerged that a deceased Chinese workforce could substantially delay the rollout of the new iPhone.

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EU can shove its generous flood defence fund insist Brexiters up to their necks in water

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Partially submerged Brexit voters have told the EU to stick their flood defence funds ‘where the sun don’t shine’ – or ‘England’ as it is more commonly known.

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