Gary Stanton

Tim Westwood to stop talking like a black teenager in case it harms his defence

Thumbnail image for Tim Westwood to stop talking like a black teenager in case it harms his defence

Former bad ass DJ Tim Westwood has stunned his legal team by discussing his impending case with a cut-glass accent and received pronunciation this morning.

Read the full article →

Russian flagship Moskva on patriotic new mission to investigate sea bed, insists Kremlin

Thumbnail image for Russian flagship Moskva on patriotic new mission to investigate sea bed, insists Kremlin

The recently hydrated Russian warship “Moskva” has been redeployed to carry out scientific investigations at the bottom of the sea, according to a reliable Kremlin source. 

Read the full article →

Russian cosmonauts were merely paying homage to Everton’s 2013 away kit, insists Kremlin

Thumbnail image for Russian cosmonauts were merely paying homage to Everton’s 2013 away kit, insists Kremlin

Cosmonauts kitted out in the colours of the Ukrainian flag are merely massive fans of perennial relegation-battlers, Everton FC, the Kremlin has claimed.

Read the full article →

Putin goes nuclear with barbaric claim that Ukrainian leader Zelensky wrote material for Michael McIntyre

Thumbnail image for Putin goes nuclear with barbaric claim that Ukrainian leader Zelensky wrote material for Michael McIntyre

Russia’s propaganda machine went into top gear last night with a devastating claim that the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, wrote gags for popular standup act Michael McIntyre.

Read the full article →

Not having kids is ‘selfish’, insists head of world’s largest organised paedophile ring

Thumbnail image for Not having kids is ‘selfish’, insists head of world’s largest organised paedophile ring

Childless couples are selfish to the core of their miserable hearts, says the boss of the world’s largest cabal of nonces, Pope Francis.

Read the full article →

Newcastle boss Steve Bruce lured to Saudi embassy to ‘discuss transfer window’

Thumbnail image for Newcastle boss Steve Bruce lured to Saudi embassy to ‘discuss transfer window’

Steve Bruce will meet with fifteen loyal associates of Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman at the Saudi embassy later today to “mull over the transfer window”.

Read the full article →

Sir Keir Starmer to defect to the Conservatives after becoming disillusioned with his own leadership

Thumbnail image for Sir Keir Starmer to defect to the Conservatives after becoming disillusioned with his own leadership

One of three possible Labour defections to the Tories is rumoured to be party activist Sir Keir Starmer, it has emerged.

Read the full article →

Major rail incident declared as Huey Lewis found riding train without credit card

Thumbnail image for Major rail incident declared as Huey Lewis found riding train without credit card

British Transport Police were called upon earlier today to resolve a dispute involving rock legend Huey Lewis.

Read the full article →

Switching the heating on now is like handing victory to the Russians, insist male UK tight-arses

Thumbnail image for Switching the heating on now is like handing victory to the Russians, insist male UK tight-arses

People across Britain experiencing the first autumn chills have discovered a new obstacle to putting the heating on this morning.

Read the full article →

Majority of Paralympians ‘fit enough for work’, claims Work and Pensions Secretary

Thumbnail image for Majority of Paralympians ‘fit enough for work’, claims Work and Pensions Secretary

Workshy Paralympians face cuts to their disability benefits under tight new proposals from Work and Pensions Secretary, Therese Coffey.

Read the full article →