Michael Gove cripples the British cocaine industry overnight with admission he used to partake

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Drug dealers around the nation have been left in a panic after Michael Gove’s revelation that he had taken cocaine, instantly stripped the notorious party drug of any glamour or appeal.

A London drug dealer, who would only give his name as Simon, was one of many who feared for the future of his business now that Michael Gove had given cocaine all the edginess of orthopaedic insoles.

He explained, “Coke has been the drug of choice for stylish debauchery since the early 1980s. But now we have a freakish dullard, who somehow looks both like an old man and a child at the same time, saying he did a few lines.

“No one wants to be associated with someone who constantly sounds like someone calling an Immigration tip-off line.

“People used to imagine A-listers doing lines with exotic and beautiful women. Now all people can think of is a slightly manic lecture on eco-nationalism by someone with the head of a starved mole.”

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Simon said that Michael Gove had done more to curtail his business in one day than any police force had managed in the last twenty years.

He went on, “As long as you are careful with your clients, don’t act like a flash twat and only carry small quantities, it’s more or less impossible for you to get sent down. I could have done this for another twenty years!

“But now my very product is under threat. Who on earth is going to want to do some charlie if people think it makes them look like Michael Gove? This is bad. Really bad.”

“My only hope now is for someone like Stormzy to get filmed snorting blow off a stripper’s tit. Because thanks to Gove’s confession, I might as well be sitting on 200 grams of bran flakes.”