‘Any chance of a new kidney unit?’ ask dialysis patients after French billionaires donate 600m Euro to save Notre Dame

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Dialysis patients across France are hoping the generosity of the republic’s super-rich might extend to a few extra kidney dialysis units, seeing as they have plenty of cash to spare.

The plea comes after billionaires, including businessman Bernard Arnault and former Eurotrash presenter Antoine de Caunes, raised more than 600 million Euros between them to save what essentially is a very nice church.

Meanwhile, people this side of Le Manche were asking where our billionaires disappeared to when the purely functional Grenfell Tower burned to the ground with the loss of more than seventy lives, albeit no precious artefacts.

Frenchman, Simon de Williams, said, “C’est magnifique!

“I knew France was richer than, say, Angola, but I had no idea there was so much money out there for good causes like saving beautiful cathedrals, and presumably human lives – because they’re quite beautiful as well, aren’t they?

“I realise Notre Dame’s importance as a national symbol and all of that – that’s not in dispute – it’s just that I might die if I have to travel over one hundred miles to the nearest kidney unit.”

However, Williams’ request was not well-received by all of France’s entrepreneurs.

Shipping magnate and sublime architecture fan, Giscard Valery, added, “Nah – fuck off. I need a new yacht.”