Jeremy Hunt is willing to see a return of Foot and Mouth disease in a bout of insanity-driven rural nostalgia.
The former Health Secretary’s latest pledge comes after he vowed to legalise fox hunting, an issue he clearly believes is as deeply important to the British right now as well-paid jobs, non-flammable housing and occasionally-funded hospitals.
Hunt claims ninety-nine per cent of Britons openly pine for the days when foxes were torn limb from limb by a pack of slavering hounds at the instigation of a well-heeled cunt on horseback, while a nearby artist captures the scene vividly on canvas.
But this vision of pastoral bliss, says Hunt, would be incomplete without the charcoal scent of animal carcasses in smouldering mounds and a desperate farmer slumped forward on a kitchen table with a shotgun in his mouth, the EU having long since withdrawn its generous subsidies that kept his business afloat.
Other things that are part of the countryside that Hunt would also like to reinstall are mad cow disease, ritual satanic abuse and Matt Baker’s unnatural interest in goats.
Hunt told those gathered at the latest hustings, “Rigorous disease prevention and control measures, hastily introduced by the Blair government, have all but eradicated Foot and Mouth disease and the nightmarish spectacle of funeral pyres consisting of cows, geese, horses and ducks.
“And yet this horrific blight is as much a part of the British landscape as a Turner painting, suicides in barns and the foul, hideous creatures that lurk in our proud nation’s forests.
“But that’s enough about Anne Widdecombe.”