Wednesday 27 February 2019 by Gary Stanton

Donald Trump asks why anyone would go to war over Cashmere


Donald Trump on Kashmir

Super-intelligent US President, Donald Trump, is today wondering why there is so much fuss over a bit of cashmere.

After Pakistan shot down two Indian jets, the two nuclear powers could find themselves embroiled in a conflict over the geographical region known as Kashmir, which is an entirely different thing to the fabric and cannot be worn around the neck by Greg Wallace or fashioned into a coat.

That’s Kashmir spelt with a K, the mountainous region between India and Pakistan, populated by Kashmiri goats who generally favour a ratcheting down of tensions’ having witnessed close-up the effect of US drone strikes on children studying Maths.

Meanwhile, Trump has called for calm heads and a peaceful resolution, insisting both countries should split the material down the middle and make a nice scarf out of it.

Addressing the leaders of Pakistan and India directly, Trump said, “I heard that both India and Pakistan control different regions of this cashmere, so I guess it must be a pretty big piece of material. And pretty expensive, huh?

“I understand your frustrations – cashmere is a real nice fabric. Some say one of the great all-time fabrics – the best.

“Melania once bought me a lovely cashmere sweater. It’s gorgeous – I wear it all the time, in spite of the stains.

“In fact, I rarely discard it before May is out.

“But come on guys, is it really worth risking the lives of millions when there are so many other more-washable fabrics to choose from?”

He added, “Now if it was Parisian silk in a Paisley design, I’d blow those fuckers up myself.”

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