EU sympathiser and traitor, Simon Williams, has signed up for expensive Brexit conversion therapy in a bid to blend in with the fifty-two per cent majority of the UK population.
Williams says he has struggled with feelings of love for his fellow European men and women throughout his life and admits he is turned on by the idea of being in a permanent Customs Union.
However, following the vote to leave, the 48-year-old felt increasingly marginalised by society to the point where he stopped going to the gym with other men.
Williams said, “Since I was young, I have believed that the idea of a group of nations working closely together to solve their mutual problems, instead of sliding into one bloody conflict after another was a fundamentally sound one.
“I’ve always known I was a bit different in that respect.”
During the therapy, Mr Williams was asked to stare at a big red bus with some writing on the side for several hours at a time.
He was then bombarded with images of a self-confident nation picking its own fruit and tending to its own sick with an imaginary workforce, while not having to listen to Polish people talking to each other on public transport.
Williams added, “I was taught that blaming foreigners for all your problems was completely normal and that Linguaphone courses in Modern European languages are essentially evil.
“Then they exposed me to some hardcore backstop action.
“Finally, I was asked if I was aroused by the idea of a trade deal with Thailand in around fifteen years time.”
Williams now considers himself cured of his filthy Remainer tendencies and insists an incident in which he masturbated over a picture of Donald Tusk, while draped in the EU flag, was just a lapse.