Joey Barton and Barnsley manager clash over Kant’s categorical imperative

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Fleetwood Town FC manager and Renaissance man, Joey Barton, has come to blows with rival boss, Daniel Stendel, over the controversial philosophy of eighteenth-century German thinker, Immanuel Kant, it has been revealed.

During Saturday’s clash at Barnsley’s Oakwell Stadium, the League One heavyweights became embroiled in a touchline dispute over Kant’s system of metaphysics, as laid out in his 1781 page-turner, Critique of Pure Reason.

Stendel, also German, and a huge fan of the Koenigsburg-born philosopher, is a firm advocate of Kant’s categorical imperative, which defines a way of evaluating motives for actions in conjunction with universal laws, and is apparently worth losing your fucking teeth over.

However, throughout his side’s 4-2 drubbing by Barnsley, Barton favoured the position adopted by Schopenhauer, who argued that Kant provides no evidence for the existence of these laws, which have their basis in groundless theological assumptions.

Barton said, “Stendel was spouting all this cock-wash about universal reason leading to three unconditioned absolutes, God, the soul and the world in its totality, but any soft-arse will tell you that these are derived from three kinds of syllogism, which may be invalid.

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“Not to mention gobbing off about how he’d read The World as Will and Representation in the original German, while playing five at the back.

“I merely stated my point of view forcefully, and loudly, directly into his face – but he was having none of it.”

He added, “That’s when I decided to follow the stuck-up prick down the Oakwell tunnel and head-butt the cunt.”