Fracking tsar, Natascha Engel, has quit after being “throttled” by rules which prevent fracking-induced earthquakes strong enough to form new continents.
Current regulations ensure fracking must be suspended every time a chunk of plaster falls off a wall and lands in the cot of a Lancashire-based infant, while its parents are out on the piss.
However, Engel – the former MP, not the very pleasant and ideally located wine bar in Bremen – slammed the approach as “over-cautious”, insisting some kids were reaching unscathed adolescence in upright dwellings with little or no subsidence or volcanic magma.
The former Labour MP said the government was pandering to the myths and scare stories about shale gas extraction – a procedure responsible for the deaths of over fifty workmen at the hands of a gargantuan lizard demon, which escaped the ninth circle of hell due to a significant rock fissure.
Newly appointed Fracking Minister, Simon Williams, said, “These earthquakes are nothing like the ones they have in Japan, in which horrific, supernatural entities crawl out of wells and into your TV screen while you’re watching Line of Duty.
“However, we do need to look at beefing up Search & Rescue teams in the event that a family of five from Barrow-in-Furness find themselves buried under rubble just miles from a nuclear power plant.
“I’ve also ordered some new sniffer dogs, those lovely ones with the shiny black coats like they have in scenic Italian villages, in which a church is the only thing left standing.”
This morning, Williams called for further measures to reassure the public, including a recalibration of the Richter scale by moving the decimal place a bit further to the left.
He added, “Another step would be to request that shale gas firm Cuadrilla change its name to something that sounds a lot less like Godzilla.”