Friday 26 April 2019 by Arabin Patson

Gimli shocks audience with pro-Sauron rant


Question time with Gimli

Legendary orc killer and former Fellow of the Ring, Gimli son of Gloin, has shocked middle-earthers by siding with his former enemy and denouncing the last alliance that is credited with saving the free peoples of West from ruin and death.

The ageing axe-wielder appeared on a topical news discussion in the Prancing Pony and slammed his iron gloves on the table while shouting that Rivendell was full of unelected busybodies and that the people of middle earth wanted no more diktats from Elrond.

Even more surprisingly, he publicly sided with Sauron the Deceiver by stating Sauron was the legitimate leader of Mordor despite strong evidence that the All Seeing Eye gained power by devious means.

Legolas Greenleaf, a former colleague of Gimli, said the tirade was lamentable but not unexpected.

“We all saw it coming. Gimli comes from a very prejudiced background. He sort of overcame it when we were running around after hobbits but you can’t undo years of ignorance with one quest.

“Pretty soon after the Ring thing he started with the elf-jokes. He’d always said he didn’t mean me, but eventually, we had to part ways. It’s sad to see what he’s become.”

However, Gimli did garner support from some corners. Shagrat Williams, an Uruk-Hai from Isengard, claimed that Gimli was speaking for average middle-earthers and not just the Gondorian elites.

“Gimli’s got the guts to speak the truth and stand up for the working class fell-creature. Isengard has gone to shit and I haven’t had a taste of man flesh in decades. It’s time we went our separate ways.”

“We just want to be free of the likes of Aragorn. Still can’t believe he took an elf for his wife. I’m not prejudiced but that just isn’t natural.”

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