Olivia Colman’s pet rabbit “Bobtail” is under twenty-four-hour armed police guard after the British star beat American rival, Glenn Close, to the Best Actress award.
Seven-time Oscar nominated Close was seen to leave the awards ceremony immediately after Colman’s name was announced, but reports of her stabbing a security guard in the foyer remain as yet unconfirmed.
However alarms were further raised after CCTV footage of the former Fatal Attraction star showed her emerging from a hardware star carrying a variety of pots and pans that would accommodate a medium-sized herbivore with room for a generous helping of gravy.
The seventy-two-year-old, who received counselling after missing out on Best Actress too many times to mention, was last seen boarding a plane to London with her extra luggage in tow.
Meanwhile, co-nominee Lady Gaga has requested extra protection for gerbil “Frank” just in case Close totally fucking loses it.
Ms Close said, “Naturally, I’m disappointed to lose out once again despite giving the performance everything I had, but you’d have to be seriously mentally disturbed to think that bitch… sorry, ‘Olivia’… isn’t somehow deserving of the Oscar, despite it being her first time up and her being a relative novice and all.
“I tried to phone her several times to say no hard feelings, but she seems to have blocked my number on the advice of the LAPD.”
Close added, “I just wanted to congratulate her the only way I know how – by boarding a long haul flight, making a surprise appearance at her apartment and cooking her a delicious stew.
“Pass me those fucking carrots goddammit!”