Tuesday 5 February 2019 by Gary Stanton

Black man admits wanting to murder ‘some actor bast*rd’ after watching Liam Neeson in Love Actually


Angry black man forced to watch love actually

A random black man, Simon Williams, wanted to take it out on some actor bastard after his girlfriend forced him to watch Liam Neeson in Love Actually.

Williams was left feeling violated by Neeson’s performance in the two-hour romcom, especially the bit where he teaches that irritating little kid how to play the drums, or is that the other one. Frankly, who gives a toss.

In his rage, Williams took to pounding the streets of Beverley Hills with a snooker ball wrapped in a sock because that’s the kind of place these bastards congregate.

Williams said, “God forbid you or a close member of your family have watched Love Actually under similar conditions. Maybe you chanced upon that scene in which Hugh Grant does that charming dance under a portrait of Margaret Thatcher?

“It ignites some raw, primal emotion, which you would commonly call ‘anger’, if you weren’t being a big, luvvy ponce about it.

“In my incandescent fury, I stormed up and down Sunset Boulevard, hoping some actor type would come out of a rehearsal space and provoke me by going on about his ‘body of work’ and how it took him to ‘some dark places’.

“I honestly didn’t care who it was going to be: Redmayne, Cumberbatch, the woman who played Sophie In Peep Show and was in that paedo thing. I was going to let them have it.”

He added, “I don’t know where all this internalised rage comes from. After all, he was quite good in Schindler’s List.”

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