Minister of something or other, Chris Grayling, has successfully pitched his tent at the wrong festival site, it has emerged.
Grayling together with wife Julie and his strong-boned sons, Josh and Perry, arrived early at the secluded location,
nestled in the Kent hills, in order to secure a prime spot from which to see headline act Stormzy.
The soon-to-be-reshuffled Tory MP began erecting his five-man yurt at lunchtime on Wednesday – a gift from the chairman of Seaborne Ferries – and completed the task a mere 48 hours later.
However, the Graylings freely admit to being taken aback by the shockingly poor turnout, estimated to be lower than Pete Townshend’s book launch.
Grayling said, “I’ve got an uneasy feeling about this.
“Normally, the tickets for ‘Ashto’ sell out within half an hour of going online, so I took the precaution of buying ours off Terry in my local for five grand – just to make sure they weren’t counterfeit.
“It says it right there in big letters ‘Ashtonbury Festival 2019’, next to where the ink has smudged a bit.”
After negotiating the barbed wire fence and ignoring various “Private Property” signs, the Graylings are looking forward to a weekend of some of the best entertainment the UK has to offer.
Meanwhile, local farmer, Simon Williams, is furious at the sudden appearance of the Minister for Transport in a field containing over five hundred of his prize heffers and a raging, tumescent bull.
“If that clueless c*nt doesn’t pack his shit up by teatime at the very latest, I’m calling the police,” he told us.
Grayling’s wife Julie added, “If things don’t pick up soon, this could rival Reading in 1989, when somebody stole his My Bloody Valentine t-shirt and pissed on his tent.”