Monday 10 June 2019 by Gary Stanton

Michael Gove vows to axe VAT on small mirrors, glass coffee tables and razor blades


Michael Gove VAT pledge

Tory leadership hopeful and cocaine advocate, Michael Gove, is set to axe VAT on selected items in a bid to boost the economy.

After a hard night’s partying in the West End, gak-fiend Gove emerged from a toilet cubicle with a comprehensive list of proposals to implement in the event that he ever becomes Britain’s first Class A Prime Minister.

The former Education Secretary plans to ease the tax burden on “middle-class professionals” who stimulate the economy by spending their vast disposable incomes on recreational items, such as small hand mirrors, hollow pens and razor blades.

Meanwhile, Gove is said to be so excited about his plans to slash rates for businesses that manufacture glass coffee tables that he is unable to stop talking about them.

Gove said, “Just think how much the average working man, on a salary of 60k plus expenses, spends on razor blades in the course of a year – that’s razor blades for shaving – although I sometimes use them for chopping up fine powders like icing sugar as my wife does a lot of baking.

“Slashing VAT on razor blades would liberate the baking industry, allowing it to thrive outside the shackles of the EU, producing Victoria sponges of the highest quality and consistency.

“Of course, if like me, you have a very hairy face, then you probably shave twice a day with an upmarket brand like Gillette. Either way, you’re looking at an annual bill of three hundred pounds, money which could be better spent on luxury items like small mirrors.

“Small mirrors, which are used for looking at your face in a confined space, like a nightclub cubicle, when you don’t have the luxury of a larger mirror, such as the kind you might find in a spacious hallway or lounge. What else would you use them for?”

He added, “Of course I’ll also be taking steps to crack down on knife crime.

“Oh God, did I mention crack?

“Excuse me.”

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