Iran latest: Dominic Raab orders the entire Royal Navy to the South Atlantic
Dominic Raab has sent the mullahs in Iran a clear message by sending the Royal Navy four-thousand miles in the wrong direction.
Rail fares rise by another 3% because public believed Jeremy Corbyn was in Hezbollah
The British public has greeted the annual rail fare hike with jubilation, as it confirms the network is definitely not being run by a former member of Hezbollah’s political wing.
Far-right rally at Tottenham stadium marred by footballing outbreak
Racists have vowed to take the “strongest possible action” after their far-right rally was ruined by a football match between Chelsea and Spurs.
Boris Johnson pledges additional 50,000 piles of coats for kids with pneumonia
Warm-hearted Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will solve the NHS beds crisis by funding extra fifty-thousand comfy mounds of coats for kids suffering from life-threatening illnesses this winter.
Hopes rising that Jacob Rees-Mogg has returned to the late nineteenth century
Police investigating the whereabouts of Jacob Rees-Mogg believe he may have returned to the century from which he came, it has emerged.
Queen reduced to tears as scruffy twat lays memorial wreath upside down
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II to you, broke down in tears yesterday as a man with the sartorial elegance of a piss-sodden tramp carelessly threw a commemorative wreath at The Cenotaph.
Joan of Arc wishing she’d listened to some good old common sense
Medieval freedom fighter, Joan of Arc – not the 1982 hit single by OMD that reached Number 5 – is wishing she’d used a bit more common sense after being burned at the stake by the forces of Henry V in 1431.
Jacob Rees-Mogg offers common sense advice to families fleeing Californian wildfires
Jacob Rees-Mogg has outlined a number of practical steps for people caught in two minds as to whether to perish in the blazes currently affecting large parts of California.
Tories pledge to end the brutal slaughter of people on benefits by April 2020
The Conservatives have promised to end to their policy of brutally murdering the disabled and those claiming other state benefits by as early as next spring.
Boris Johnson found dead in a ditch
The body of the UK Prime Minister has been discovered in a ditch near Whitehall, this morning, according to reports.
Turkeys to vote for early Christmas
Left-wing turkeys are to throw their considerable weight behind an early festive season, beginning on the 12th of December.
Clocks going back means Brexit is delayed by another full hour, moan angry Brexiters
Turning the clocks back one hour is a cynical attempt by the government remoaners to keep us in the EU for even longer, insist right-wing fuckwits.
Hardworking security guard faces ridicule over small part in Hollyoaks
Industrious security guard, Simon Williams, has faced national humiliation after reporters revealed he had a small part in wank soap opera Hollyoaks.
Priti Patel denies freedom of movement to man wearing mind-reading exoskeleton
A smirking Priti Patel has insisted that a Frenchman who can walk for the first time in two years using a thought-controlled exoskeleton, won’t get further than Dover.
Pots and kettles embroiled in vicious war of words over Brexit
Household pots and kettles have stooped to an all-time low while trading insults over Brexit, it has emerged.
Patriotic Brexiters lay on fleet of private jets to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads
Spunky Brexiters, led by Singapore-based Sir James Dyson, have dug deep to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads and, in some cases, lasses from strange, foreign lands.
Britons stranded abroad by Thomas Cook collapse reminded ‘we survived Dunkirk’
Butthurt Britons stranded in foreign lands by the collapse of Thomas Cook have been told by Brexit voters that if we can rescue an entire army from Dunkirk, this ought to be a piece of piss.
RNLI donations plummet on revelation that 2% of money raised is spent hauling Daily Mail readers from the Solent
The RNLI is facing a funding crisis this morning after they let slip that a significant proportion of their budget is pissed away hauling gammons out the Solent.
Boris Johnson changes pronouns to ‘lying twat’ and ‘bellend’
Boris Johnson’s pronouns have been officially changed to “lying twat” and “bellend” after he publicly exposed himself as a mendacious spunktruffle.
Donald Trump fires Michael Bolton
Donald Trump has mistakenly fired heavily-permed eighties singer Michael Bolton in a move that is sure to displease the mullahs in Tehran.
Man who spent £30K fighting £100 speeding fine offered role as Brexit Secretary
A man who spunked his son’s inheritance money up the wall on worthless causes has been offered his dream role of Brexit Secretary.
London firefighters tackle fresh inferno as Tories begin torching No-deal Brexit documents
London’s battle-weary weary Emergency Services have been called to Westminster to tackle a mountain of smouldering A4-sized documents marked: “N-D Brexit Impact Assessment: confidential”.
Shape-shifting lizard community appalled by Prince Andrew nonce allegations
Self-respecting reptilian shape-shifters have been appalled by suggestions that one of their number might be some kind of nonce, it has emerged.
Nation that’s unable to keep the power on is exceedingly well-prepared for ‘No Deal’ Brexit
Once great nation Britain has been forced to admit that optimism is no substitute for a reliable electric current, this morning.
Man circumcised in hospital mix-up already receiving anti-Semitic abuse from Labour trolls
A man who was mistakenly circumcised after a routine bladder procedure has been on the receiving end of death threats from anti-Semitic Momentum trolls.
God finally admits responsibility for creating all blokes called Steve
Men called Steve in gay relationships or otherwise, can breathe a sigh of relief this morning after God claimed responsibility for them.
If one is head-butted in a tunnel and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? asks Joey Barton
Football manager, lover and thinker, Joey Barton, has turned the world of philosophy on its head with a revolutionary thought experiment, while on bail for alleged actual bodily harm, according to reports.
Once great nation that put men on the moon unable to get c*nt out of White House
A once proud nation that sent three men to the moon is unable to transport an orange, racist c*nt out of the White House, it has emerged.
Irony-free patriot Tommy Robinson seeks refugee status in nearby United States
Patriotic defender of the indigenous British people, Tommy Stephen Robinson, has applied for refugee status in the United States from where he can better serve the multicultural paradise he so obviously adores.
Massive earthquakes reported as California tries to remove itself from rest of the United States
The state of California was causing massive earthquakes as it tried to join another tectonic plate over the weekend.
