Friday 27 September 2019 by Gary Stanton

Pots and kettles embroiled in vicious war of words over Brexit


Pots and Kettles

Household pots and kettles have stooped to an all-time low while trading insults over Brexit, it has emerged.

The renowned adversaries have traditionally been at odds regarding the optimum way to store and dispense hot water, but the recent parliamentary shenanigans have seen them fall out as never before.

Approximately fifty-two per cent of pots say they would have voted to leave the EU without a deal, whereas kettles would overwhelmingly back Remain if normal kitchen appliances were allowed to participate in a second referendum.

However, the latest round of abuse saw a Morphy Richards “Vector Pyramid” kettle branded as an “ignorant traitor”, while several pots were labelled “fascist cunts” by a potty-mouthed, black Russell Hobs kettle with an optional limescale filter.

The heated row, which reached around one hundred degrees centigrade, means that the kitchen has become a no-go area for many families, especially those with children.

In a sign that things are deteriorating even further, the latest dispute threatened to spill over into a sink full of unwashed dishes, while a humble toast rack waded in and got a right earful.

Kettle, Simon Williams, a SMEG KLF03 in red, available for £49.99 from all leading stores, said, “Despite my durable exterior and two-year warranty, I no longer feel safe in here. I’ve received a number of death threats and a pal of mine – a Swan 1.7 Litre Nordic Style kettle in grey – has had its thermostat smashed in.

“We know it’s the pots who are behind it. Sometimes they just phone us up and don’t say anything.”

He added, “I’m totally fed up with it all, to be frank, but these latest incidents have just about brought me to boiling point.

“So I suppose you’ll be wanting a brew then?”

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