Dominic Cummings, the political advisor affectionately known in Whitehall as ‘the lovechild of Myra Hindley and Gollum’, has explained that public anger towards Parliament, and the flurry of death threats that came with it was a natural consequence of him doing all in his power to stir up hatred.
In a rare interview, the unkempt electoral guru explained that it was MPs own fault that unhinged cretins tried to smash up their constituency offices with claw hammers.
“It makes good telly for female MPs to tearfully explain how people are quoting the PM when threatening their lives or that of their children. But the truth is that they have only themselves to blame. Were they not obstructing my desire to use Britain as a test lab for anarcho-capitalism, then I would have no need to use my press contacts and social media operations to label them traitors.
“So now it’s constant virtue-signalling about how they are afraid for their lives simply for doing the job they were elected to do. The public want Boris Johnson and me to deliver Brexit at all costs which is why 90,000 golf club members voted for him. Deal with it.
“When our constant use of wartime language to portray MPs as a mortal enemy inevitably leads to a tragedy, then they will have to reflect on why they decided to get in my way when it’s obvious I have the best charts and I say things like data logarithmic transformation.”
Mr Cummings then cut the interview short by explaining he had just received a fresh video of donkeys being slaughtered in a Tunisian abattoir, and he wanted to watch it on repeat while spitting on himself.