London’s battle-weary weary Emergency Services have been called to Westminster to tackle a mountain of smouldering A4-sized documents marked: “N-D Brexit Impact Assessment: confidential”.
Reports of dense, blue smoke came in at around 7.30 pm on Monday evening, shortly after a motion demanding the publication of documents relating to Operation Yellowhammer, which detail the precise level of fuckedness of the UK post-Brexit.
The motion also directs the Prime Minister to publish material from Dominic Cummings’ WhatsApp group, which consists of Michael Gove, Sajid Javid and close personal friends such as Ian Huntley and Peter Sutcliffe.
Source close to the PM claim he is unlikely to comply with the demands, but refusal to do so could see him barred from discussing his favourite sexual positions on The One Show.
London Fire Service spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “Sadly, we managed to save very little in the way of legible text from the conflagration, but we have done our best to piece together the few remaining fragments, using any available staff who weren’t tied up dousing the various fires raging overnight in the capital’s substandard council housing stock.
“This one here says WE ARE ALL TOTALLY FUC , but I can’t quite make out the last bit.
“We’ll get our linguistics department to decipher that one.”
“This second one’s a bit more sinister and says simply .. DISTRACT PUBLIC FROM INEVITABLE SUICIDAL IMPULSES BY CLONING CHARLOTTE CHURC…..”
He added, “There’s also something about turning Milton Keynes into a mass grave, but we’ve checked that out and it turns out to be excerpts from Iain Duncan Smith’s first romantic novel.
“You can pre-order it for Christmas, unless we have to prorogue it.”