Rail fares rise by another 3% because public believed Jeremy Corbyn was in Hezbollah

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The British public has greeted the annual rail fare hike with jubilation, as it confirms the network is definitely not being run by a former member of Hezbollah’s political wing.

As commuters struggled to catch expensive, non-existent trains to their gig economy jobs, many were relieved that Labour’s plan for an affordable, nationalised rail system was rejected at the General Election because of something the Daily Mail wrote about Corbyn laying wreaths for Palestinian bastards.

Indeed, the tree-hugging communist was nowhere to be seen as the nation’s workers coughed up a larger share of their disposable income, so that private rail companies could continue creaming profits off a shambolic service with impunity.

Rail user, Simon Williams, said, “Better to have ticket prices go up way above inflation than to discover that the 7.25 from Crewe to London Waterloo now stops at a no-longer-active death camp in Poland.

“We don’t want the benefits of HS2 up here, if it means the HS is for Hamas Service.

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“A Corbyn government would have meant rail fare freezes and better accountability, but just you try reserving a seat when it’s been handed to a single mother on state benefits from the EU’s Gaza Strip or Bulgaria.”

Meanwhile, Transport Secretary and former part-time DJ, Grant Shapps, insisted fare increases enabled increased investment in the type of champagne available for the directors of Northern Rail.

“Accountability, my arse,” he told reporters, this morning.

“You all voted for this because you thought Corbyn was concealing mobile rocket launchers in his beard. Now lap it up like the ignorant fucking dogs that you are.”

However, Mr Williams, who was standing at an empty platform, twenty quid out-of-pocket, added, “Say what you like about Grant Shapps, but he’s never forced me to give up my seat to a bunch of freeloading Islamic terrorists from Brussels who are hellbent on eating crisps noisily in the quiet carriage.

“Monster Munch, probably.”