Friday 3 January 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Cowards stop drinking for January


Not drinking in January

The more namby-pamby of your friends began their self-imposed alcohol drought yesterday.

After drinking properly for a change throughout Christmas and New Year, the tedious cowards are “going dry” for January.

“It was getting out of control. I was having up to three alcoholic drinks a day for three days in a row,” said absolute pussy, Simon Williams.

“No more of that now. It’s carrot juice and water until the start of February, when I might allow myself a half-pint of lager once a week again.

“I’m not an alcoholic or anything so this is technically unnecessary, but I’m doing it anyway, for some reason.”

Proper human, Gordon Withers, said “whatever” before pouring some scotch over his cornflakes.

“My drinking habits are the same year-round as they are at Christmas and New Year because I’m not some kind of salad-munching casual,” he elaborated, before lighting a cigarette with a match struck from his chin.

“You lot can stop drinking for a bit if it soothes your soul. I’ll be in my usual state of blissful tipsiness.”

Gordon’s doctor said, “It’s sad really as Gordon is the one person who could really benefit from dry January. It might help him not die before the age of forty.

“But he firmly believes dry January is for cowards and I can’t really disagree.”

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