Friday 3 January 2020 by Arabin Patson

White House delighted to announce which pointless unwinnable war will define the coming decade


Trump launces attack on Iran general

The Trump administration has told fans that the clusterfuck of the next decade will be a long, drawn-out war with Iran that will ultimately prove disastrous and inevitably spawn vicious terrorist groups that make ISIS look like girl scouts.

However, some experts in Middle-Eastern conflicts, such as Professor Seimoun Walihamseh of the University of Cairo, claimed that unifying Iran with predominantly Sunni terrorist groups was “dumber than taking a shit while doing a handstand.”

He went on, “The Sunni-Shia divide was always a key asset for Western Powers. Iran liked to intervene locally for obvious reasons but now they will also use their wealth and governmental power to assist and coordinate Jihadis worldwide.

“Imagine the numbers and bloodlust of ISIS mixed with the technical know-how and financial resources of Al-Qaeda. Now imagine fighting these groups in the Sahel, the Levant, Indonesia, the Philippines, Nigeria and the Kush at the same time. All the while being led by an imbecile with no strategic vision beyond his next rage-tweet.

“As for allies, only a complete moron with a criminal disregard for the welfare of his nation would join in such a stupid endeavour.”

In the UK, the junior Foreign Office Minister, Nigel Tinnock, affirmed that Boris Johnson’s government stood ready to be dragged into a vicious conflict that will paint a huge target on Britain for every cretinous nutjob that thinks murder makes Allah happy.

He went on, “This government will stand by our American cousins and will unquestioningly send British soldiers into harm’s way in support of a transparent attempt to sway the American public in the run-up to the 2020 presidential election.

“Just be grateful we don’t make Mark Francois Minister of War.”

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