RNLI donations plummet on revelation that 2% of money raised is spent hauling Daily Mail readers from the Solent

author avatar by 4 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

The RNLI is facing a funding crisis this morning after they let slip that a significant proportion of their budget is pissed away hauling gammons out the Solent.

Cash reserves were already at a record low after Daily Mail readers withdrew their meagre donations on learning the organization allocates a tiny fraction of its budget to prevent black foreigners from drowning.

But the latest revelation has caused shockwaves throughout the prevention-of-water-related-deaths industry, with many Britons prepared to accept some measure of moribund, floating racists interrupting an otherwise pleasant game of beach volleyball.

Inspite of this, super-hydrated, lifeless Mail readers are among the least popular things to be found on aquatic-style holidays, ranking well below jellyfish, eels and chance meetings with Peter Stringfellow and one of his girlfriends.

A report concluded that the belligerent are often returned to the shore by the RNLI, where they are able to propagate their hatred towards minorities while drying themselves off with a towel.

NewsThump Hoodies

The RNLI’s financial woes represent the biggest threat to the water safety of UK residents since someone decided it would be a great idea to put Rolf Harris in a swimming pool full of kids.

RNLI spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “Daily Mail readers will often ignore expert advice on high tides and get into difficulty because they think rising sea levels are part of the liberal Global Warming conspiracy.”

He added, “The sad irony is: of all the various semi-literate demographics within the UK, Daily Mail readers are the ones who most frequently find themselves out of their depth.”