Monday 16 September 2019 by Frances Ward

Andrex signs exclusive deal to publish absorbent version of David Cameron’s memoirs


Andrew David Cameron publishing deal

Well-known toilet paper manufacturer and Labrador puppy model agency, Andrex, is to publish a unique serialisation of David Cameron’s memoirs, it has emerged.

Cameron’s agent, Simon Williams said, “Like most important political memoirs of our time, David’s guide to bare-faced narcissism peppered with various hilarious-slash-terrifying anecdotes of large-scale government ineptitude, deserves to reach as large an audience as possible.

“Although neither David nor I had previously heard of the publisher ‘Andrex’ we understand they’re a ‘household name’ across the nation.

“The clincher for David is when they described his memoirs as having the ‘soft, strong and very absorbent’ properties they were looking for. He felt they’d hit the nail on the head with that one.

“David really hopes that his deeply personal thoughts and reflections – particularly about holding a referendum, which he still thinks was a super idea – connect with people in a deep and meaningful way.

Andrex spokesperson said, “If there’s one thing we know, it’s what paper the good people of this country feel should be covered in shit.

“Wait, he still thinks we’re publishing it as a book? Idiot. Not, it’s going to bog roll, pure and simple. Is it the perfect material to get covered in piss and stuck to an unsuspecting shoe? Yes. Should it be written down on paper for eyes to read? Nope.

“There was the odd amusing story about the current melted candle in Number 10, but we can just reduce those down to handy little readable quotes for customers when they’re going about their business.

“Yes, we’re expecting it to sell by the million.”

However, when told of the Andrex deal, one member of the public said, “Cameron’s memoirs? No, sorry, I wouldn’t even wipe my arse with it.”

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