Tuesday 22 October 2019 by Gary Stanton

Hardworking security guard faces ridicule over small part in Hollyoaks


security guard ashamed of past as actor in Hollyoaks

Industrious security guard, Simon Williams, has faced national humiliation after reporters revealed he had a small part in wank soap opera Hollyoaks.

Williams, 32, took the role of “Darren”, who is “Leesha’s” love interest, after struggling to feed his kids, despite working lucrative night shifts at a branch of Morrisons in New Brighton.

The news comes just days after Romford B&M employee of the month, Katy Jarvis, was left “degraded” after decade-old clips of her appearing on Eastenders went viral.

Williams’ unfortunate tale has prompted a cumshot of empathy on social media, as many decent hardworking people admitted to “prostituting” themselves by accepting roles in non-BAFTA winning mini-serials which never seem to expire on Amazon Prime.

Williams said, “Over my illustrious career in retail security provision, I’ve strived to stay away from moist, red carpet events and shit like Security Guard Masterchef, but the bills won’t pay themselves.

“I know it was shameful to appear in Hollyoaks and I just hope my two young children can laugh about it one day and realise the sacrifices I’ve had to make for the little cunts.

“My part filled the three seconds between the funky guitar riff and the Domino Pizza advert, during which Leesha finds me in bed with my brother-in-law, played by Tony from the Dulwich branch of B&Q.”

“I’m hoping that when they grow up, they’ll learn a dignified trade like plumbing, not be forced to accept small parts in shit like Mrs Brown’s Boys.”

Last night, the star of the latest Warburton’s bread commercial, Robert de Niro, denied appearing in box office hit, Meet The Fockers, a film which cleverly noted the similarity of words such as “focker” and “fucker” and played them for maximum comic effect.

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