If one is head-butted in a tunnel and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? asks Joey Barton

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Football manager, lover and thinker, Joey Barton, has turned the world of philosophy on its head with a revolutionary thought experiment, while on bail for alleged actual bodily harm, according to reports.

Barton’s contention, based on the work of the eighteenth-century philosopher, Bishop Berkeley, is that the objects of sense exist only when they are perceived, and it therefore holds that there is no possible way he could have nutted Barnsley manager, Daniel Stendel, resulting in a three-match suspension.

Barton said, “Sound is the vibration transmitted to our senses when one’s forehead makes contact with the fleshy part of
a rival’s face, but if there are no ears present to perceive it, save for those of the alleged combatants, surely it is just imaginary.

“Similarly, if the screams emitted by a fucking ponce with blood pouring from his nose were not actually heard, do they have any basis in reality?”

Meanwhile, Detective Inspector Simon Williams gave a withering assessment of Barton’s defence, reminding him that the five senses and a thought experiment are a poor substitute for CCTV evidence and the testimony of A&E doctors.

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However, the Fleetwood Town boss countered the claims against him with a devastating critique of twenty-first-century surveillance technology.

“What is CCTV evidence, but the excitation of the retina due to the vibration we call light, which is then interpreted by the sensory organ we know as the brain,” he posited.

In conclusion, what appears to be my head in a collision with the lying gobshite, Stendel, cannot be consistent for individual observers in different frames of reference and is inadmissible as evidence.

“Also, if you lose 4-2 at home to Leyton Orient in the cup on a damp Tuesday evening, in front of an empty stadium, it never actually happened and the match should be replayed.. er.. played.

“Quod Erat Demonstrandum.”

Williams added, “Whatever. You’re going down for this, you fucking slag.”