Security services hugely grateful to everyone for uploading their biometric data to FaceApp

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The nation’s security services have thanked users of FaceApp for voluntarily uploading facial biometric data to a device on the Internet so they can file it away for use as they please.

With tens of millions of people seemingly willing to provide detailed pictures of their faces, voluntarily, so that a computer can make them look a bit older, those who work in government surveillance have had to check if it’s Christmas already.

Smartphone owner Simon Williams told us, “I’ve uploaded loads of photos of myself, from different angles, with different haircuts – I’m hoping to find one which makes the old me look like George Clooney, rather than Victor Meldrew.

“No luck as of yet. So it’s not a very good service if you ask me, and I see no reason whatsoever why millions of people will continue providing their detailed biometrics to a faceless computer algorithm for a fleeting moment of personal gratification.

“Oh, hang on, this photo from my holiday last year makes me look a bit like a young Clooney – sort of. Let’s see… Dammit, that one makes me look like Rupert Murdoch!”

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Some users have refused to use the tool, insisting their privacy concerns prevent them from giving away valuable things like their photos to apps that could be accessed by government agencies.

However, a source inside GCHQ told us, “If you think we had anything to do with a wildly popular AI-based app documenting in great detail just about every face across the world, in a device that probably also holds your fingerprints, then you’re entirely mistaken.

“If we wanted a photo of you we’d just hack into Facebook and take it.”