Wednesday 11 September 2019 by Gary Stanton

Donald Trump fires Michael Bolton


Trump fires bolton

Donald Trump has mistakenly fired heavily-permed eighties singer Michael Bolton in a move that is sure to displease the mullahs in Tehran.

The controversial sacking comes after the US president had trouble distinguishing various high-profile figures with the surname “Bolton”.

Only one of whom has advocated a hawkish stance on Iran and other Middle East regimes.

Bolton’s dismissal could spell the return of former Trump Defence Chief, John Bolton, to Trump’s administration and an ensuing war with Iran, ending in global nuclear annihilation, the death of every species on the planet and the postponement of the Essential Michael Bolton “best of” album.

Meanwhile, the Time, Love and Tenderness star is seeking legal action against Trump, fearing a substantial loss of income and the consequences of performing tear-jerking soft rock anthems to an audience consisting primarily of radioactive cockroaches who are known to prefer early 90’s shoegaze.

Trump said, “Michael and I disagree strongly on a lot of things.

“Firstly, he’s evasive on Iran, but I bitterly disapproved of the shift in emphasis from heavy metal to pop rock ballads in the late 1980s.

“Also, he stayed far too long with RCA, especially when Columbia were making overtures. He messed that up bigly.”

Meanwhile, Michael Bolton’s firing has prompted death threats from Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, who told reporters:

“Michael Bolton’s back catalogue is unsurpassed. Time, Love and Tenderness is a sublime record, though he struggled to remain relevant in the subsequent decades.

“We love you Michael. Death to Trump! Death to America, with the notable exception of Michael Bolton!”

Last night, fears are also growing for the future of the East Lancashire town of the same name, famous for its cotton and struggling League One football team.

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