First UK vaccine recipient appears on Bill Gates’ mass surveillance system
The first UK recipient of the Pfizer Covid vaccine has successfully popped up on Bill Gates’ universal monitoring system after a few minor glitches.
Reclusive Dr P. Shiltoni arrested in connection with Diego Maradona death
Police have arrested a tall Caucasian man answering only to the name of Dr Pedro Shiltoni in connection with the untimely death of football legend Diego Maradona.
Americans given historic opportunity to tell Donald Trump to go f*ck himself
Americans are today being given a twice in a lifetime opportunity to tell Donald Trump to go fuck himself.
Brain-eating microbe in US water supply explains a f*cking hell of a lot, insist scientists
A brain-munching microbe found feasting on the intelligence of ordinary US citizens has sparked fears that that particular horse has already fucking bolted, according to reports.
S Club 7 parties on hold as government bans gathering of more than six
Long-suffering Britons are facing a bleak winter with little prospect of an S Club 7 party to lift the spirits.
NHS patients forced to wait up to three weeks to see Ian Brown from the Stone Roses
Patients displaying symptoms of COVID-19 are having to wait up to three weeks to book an appointment with former Stone Roses’ frontman, Ian Brown, it has emerged.
BBC confirms ‘Rule Britannia’ to be replaced by ‘F*ck Tha Police’
Woke BLM evangelists within the BBC plan to ditch White Pride anthem “Rule Britannia” with a song that celebrates the gunning down of uniformed police officers, according to various misleading reports.
Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles
The highly promising Russian COVID vaccine is to be tested in now the customary manner – by applying it furtively to doorknobs in the Greater Wiltshire area, it has emerged.
Latest polls show fifty-two percent of Britons will refuse to take Coronavirus vaccine
A slim majority of Britons are set to refuse any forthcoming vaccine for the Coronavirus because apparently you can’t trust experts these days, it has emerged.
Pizza Express to shut down more than seventy-five sex offender alibis
UK nonces are reeling from the news that one of their favourite hangouts is to close more than seventy of its venues.
Government to fit all empty stables with barn doors after horses cause havoc
A build-up of horses on the M25 this morning has prompted the government to take swift action regarding the retrospective fitting of barn doors to stables.
Hong Kong protestors offered British citizenship insist they’d rather be teargassed
Boris Johnson’s generous offer of citizenship to three million Hong Kong residents has met a subdued response among young people not keen on embracing a far-flung, racist shithole run by a fat, blond arsehole.
Prince Andrew in Chernobyl-style meltdown after hugely predictable sweat glands failure
Prince Andrew is threatening large swathes of Europe with nonce-based material after his sweat glands failed yet again to perform their crucial role.
CNN reports Martin Luther King died of Type 2 Diabetes in addition to a bullet in the head
Uppity Civil Rights campaigner, Martin Luther King, would most likely be fit and walking around today were it not for the late-onset diabetes that ravaged the 39-year-old gun victim’s body.
Chris Grayling concludes Clap for the NHS by high-fiving all of his neighbours
A small area of Islington has seen a surge in Coronavirus cases this evening after Chris Grayling took part in Clap for the NHS.
Pandemic fears as number of people claiming they were bullied by Priti Patel rises to three
After a third person came forward with allegations of bullying by Priti Patel, experts fear the problem could be much more widespread.
Glaswegian scientists discover key way of fighting Coronavirus is to ‘kick its f*ckin’ c*nt in’
Glaswegian geneticists have discovered a key weakness in Covid-19’s armoury, which may ultimately benefit the whole of humankind.
Government to reject EU food standards because it’s not like poor farming methods have put the entire future of humanity in doubt
The government will no longer abide by EU food hygiene standards following Brexit because it’s not like the entire future of humanity has been put at risk by a dodgy Wuhan takeaway, according to reports.
Priti Patel to deport her own parents under tough new Immigration Points System
Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has admitted she will need to deport her own parents under her strict new Australian-style points-based system to prevent them from undercutting British workers.
World’s bellends demand instant vaccine as Coronavirus hits iPhone production
Planet Earth’s dickheads have demanded an instant vaccine against that Covid-19 thing as it emerged that a deceased Chinese workforce could substantially delay the rollout of the new iPhone.
EU can shove its generous flood defence fund insist Brexiters up to their necks in water
Partially submerged Brexit voters have told the EU to stick their flood defence funds ‘where the sun don’t shine’ – or ‘England’ as it is more commonly known.
Coronavirus ‘a serious and imminent threat to public health’ insists serious and imminent threat to public health
Health Secretary Matt Hancock has declared the Coronavirus “a serious and imminent threat” to public health, which according to people familiar with his approach to the public health, is a bit fucking rich coming from him.
Coronavirus suspects to be quarantined on Love Island
Hundreds of foreign nationals evacuated from Wuhan are to be transferred without further delay to ITV’s Love Island until their symptoms dissipate or nature has its way.
Prince Andrew tells FBI that he wasn’t available as he’d nipped out to Pizza Express
Prince Andrew’s non-cooperation with the FBI is down to bad timing and his love for a deep pan Fiorentina, it has emerged.
Brexit Party’s official line on Coronavirus is ‘rubber up and don’t order mussels’
Patriotic Britons have nothing to fear from the Coronavirus unless they go barebacking a “Chinaman”, according to advice issued this morning by Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party.
Racists furious at suggestion they should wear Muslim-style face veil in fight against deadly coronavirus
The wearing of the niqab, or full face-veil, will be mandatory for all UK citizens under urgent new World Health Organisation Coronavirus guidelines adopted by the UK government.
Laurence Fox upset by plans for Bollywood sequence in the remake of Zulu
Actor Laurence Fox is said to be frothing at the mouth over rumours that Sikh actors are planning to ruin his favourite war film of all time by dancing around gaily in those silly turbans.
Health Secretary Matt Hancock to host new version of Bullseye without any of the targets
Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, is to present an up-to-date version of eighties game show, Bullseye, without its over-reliance on pointless targets.
White-skinned Princess Kate is shining beacon of Aryan loveliness, insists Daily Mail
Princess Kate, who is a Duchess really but we’ll let that go, wowed the crowds in Bradford yesterday in a genuine display of warmth attributed to her wholesome Prussian ancestry, it has emerged.
We just want to be able to eat at a Pizza Express in Woking like normal people, insist Harry and Meghan
Prince Harry and the former Meghan Markle have insisted their current roles as high profile members of the Royal family mean they can no longer enjoy the simple things in life – like a slap-up meal at the Woking branch of Pizza Express.
