Brexit Party’s official line on Coronavirus is ‘rubber up and don’t order mussels’

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Patriotic Britons have nothing to fear from the Coronavirus unless they go barebacking a “Chinaman”, according to advice issued this morning by Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party.

“This nasty, foreign bug would come to our shores via the EU, which is one of the reasons we are leaving,” said Brexit Party spokesman, Derek Williams.

“According to all the science available on the internet, AIDS got started when some dirty queer stuck it up a monkey and was brought into the United States on Rock Hudson’s cardigan.

“In the same way, the Coronavirus began when some drunken Chinese fishermen tried to bum a lobster as part of their traditional New Year celebrations.

“It’s lobster, hare, rat, monkey, goose – in that order,” he explained.

Williams believes that the holders of blue passports bear a natural immunity to the lethal germ, in a moment of assured clarity that seemingly flies in the face of the tired narrative that all Brexit voters are shit-thick racists.

“The only way I’d be at risk of catching this disease would be if I allowed three muscular Chinese guys, glistening in oil like Bruce Lee, to repeatedly bareback me while one of them went in for a reach-around.

“The message is clear: Durex as tough as sandpaper and avoid crustaceans.”

Experts now predict that up to fifty-two per cent of the UK population could be affected by the Corona bug, leading to homoerotic daydreams, a second Brexit referendum and the restoration of some form of fledgling democracy, free of twats.

Williams added, “The stoker would always go in for a reach-around.”