Mulder and Scully very keen to interview weird man who can’t sweat

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Two FBI agents specialising in dark and disturbing phenomena are extremely interested in speaking to Prince Andrew, known in their files as ‘the man who doesn’t sweat’.

The FBI have reopened the X-Files with the specific aim of explaining the strange and scary activities in Prince Andrew’s private life.

“This case is fascinating,” said special agent Fox Mulder. “I’d love to speak to Prince Andrew for two reasons.

“Firstly, legend has it that an inability to sweat is linked to lycanthropy. The afflicted individuals would regularly turn into wolves and run around panting in order to reduce their body heat.

“I wonder if Prince Andrew has ever been in a situation where he found himself running around panting with no clothes on?

“Perhaps after the event, he found it difficult to explain what had happened – even if there were photos.

“Secondly, the fact that he fails to see suspicious goings-on leads me to believe he’s encountered another mythical figure – the invisible man.

“This mad scientist found a way to become totally transparent and used this power to become a prolific sex offender. It’s possible that the Prince was present when some of these crimes took place but simply couldn’t see what was happening.

“We need to speak to Andrew as soon as possible. The truth is out there!”

Fox’s partner Dana Scully is more sceptical.

“Trust no one,” she said. “I don’t believe a word Prince Andrew says and I’ve been abducted and experimented on by aliens.

“It’s far more likely that he’s just a lying nonce.”