Thursday 2 July 2020 by Gary Stanton

Hong Kong protestors offered British citizenship insist they’d rather be teargassed


Hong Kong protests

Boris Johnson’s generous offer of citizenship to three million Hong Kong residents has met a subdued response among young people not keen on embracing a far-flung, racist shithole run by a fat, blond arsehole.

After China announced a new raft of measures for keeping the former British subjects in line, many thought the UK would be inundated with applications from highly-skilled IT graduates eager to pick fruit and experience incest in Norfolk.

While Hong Kong citizens say their freedoms are being violated by new security laws, things are nowhere near as fucked up as losing the right to live, work and retire in thirty neighbouring states.

Given the choice between a blue passport, which guarantees them the right to live, work and die on a cold, damp island, the majority of Hong Kong residents would rather have their shopping trip interrupted by a trigger-happy tank commander and posthumously make the front cover of Time magazine.

Under the plans, approximately 2.6 million residents will be eligible to live in the UK for five years. After a further two years, they will be able to apply for a provisional driving licence.

Those staying for longer periods of time will be given the additional option of downgrading their smartphones to 4G, while dressing like Chris Patten.

Meanwhile, white UK racists, overjoyed with Brexit, are purple with rage now that the Tories have given the green light to a yellow swamp from the East, like some kind of crazy, fucked-up Dulux colour scheme.

UK moron, Simon Williams, said, “I was led to believe that Brexit would mean fewer migrants and a whites-only motherland.

“This new wave of migration from Hong Kong puts a whole different slant on things.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that.”

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