Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has admitted she will need to deport her own parents under her strict new Australian-style points-based system to prevent them from undercutting British workers.
Mum and Dad, Sushil and Anjana, fled Idi Amin’s regime in Uganda before taking advantage of the UK’s soft-touch immigration laws and then went on to have loads of kids at the taxpayers’ expense in a big house paid for by the council.
However, now that the will of the people has changed, the Patels no longer qualify for Britishness as they have failed to accumulate enough points and therefore must face a more hostile climate, which means paying for their own transport to Dover.
Father, Sushil, learned of his fate online after discovering that owning a newsagent in London earns you precisely fuck all points, although addressing your customers in broken English can increase your tally to one.
Similarly, devoted Mum, Anjana, was dismayed to learn that cooking a mean goat stew is not considered ‘skilled labour’ and she would have been better off doing an IT course or chartered accountancy when it was all the rage.
Ms Patel said, “Unfortunately, Mum and Dad have failed to take account of the fact that a significant proportion of the British public are racist morons and have simply outstayed their welcome.”
The adorable couple is said to be distraught at being returned to their volatile home country, where they could face electrodes or imprisonment for gayness, should they suddenly feel inclined.
Trying not to smirk, the Home Secretary added, “I’m really sorry Mummy, but there’s nothing I can do.
“Entering your password into BBC iPlayer does not mean you are computer literate.”