Friday 28 February 2020 by Gary Stanton

Glaswegian scientists discover key way of fighting Coronavirus is to ‘kick its f*ckin’ c*nt in’


Coronavirus treatment in glasgow

Glaswegian geneticists have discovered a key weakness in Covid-19’s armoury, which may ultimately benefit the whole of humankind.

[This article is based on this tweet by comedian Joe Heenan, which we had believed to be a genuine thing that happened, rather than a joke – yes, we are idiots]

Boffins working at Glasgow University began by analyzing the DNA profile of the virus using a supercomputer in the hope of finding key sections that might allow them to neutralise its deadly effects.

However, despite week upon week of tiring research with very little to show for their efforts, the team grew increasingly pissed off as conventional scientific avenues failed to yield any hope of a cure.

Lead Virologist, Professor Simo’ “Begbie” Williams, said, “Aye, things were looking bleak for us all – as a species like – so I sez to the boys – let’s try something a wee bit different, sure.

“We had several of these wee virus c*nts cornered under an electron microscope so I squares up to ‘em, casual like, and sez ‘there’s nearly three thoosand people deed cos o’ youse and nae c*nt leaves this laboratory until we find out what c*nt did it’.”

At that point Williams’ team, who had been drinking heavily, set about the viral load with steel toe-capped boots and knuckledusters, aiming in particular for the viral reproductive region, found on a vulnerable chain of hyrdocarbons.

Williams added triumphantly, “And what does the virus do? Shites it!”

The group, nominated today for the Nobel Prize for medicine, now hopes to focus its energies on finding a cure for the rhinovirus responsible for the ‘common cold’, a cure which they believe will rely primarily on glassing it in the face.

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