Prince Harry and the former Meghan Markle have insisted their current roles as high profile members of the Royal family mean they can no longer enjoy the simple things in life – like a slap-up meal at the Woking branch of Pizza Express.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex claim their inability to live life as commoners and dine in aspirational restaurants near the A320, in which no-one can be arsed to clear the dishes from the tables, is behind their shock decision to step back from the public gaze and slum it like the rest of us.
The Sussexes admitted that they were left “seething with envy” on learning that lesser royals, such as Prince Andrew, had enjoyed unencumbered days out at the swish Surrey eatery, with barely a media flashbulb or underage chloroformed teenager within sight.
“Ever since I was a little girl in Hollywood, I dreamt of tucking into dough balls and a twelve-inch Fiorentina in some nondescript Surrey commuter town,” wept Meghan earlier to our reporter.
“I’d fantasise about having a mixed leaf salad and to hell with the financial consequences. I was carefree like that.
“For me, it’s not about the paedo uncle or the racist granddad, it’s about living life to the full and the spiritual progress of the mind – and that means being free to gorge myself on a Sloppy Giuseppe Calzone without having a camera lens shoved in my face.”
Prince Harry was supportive of his wife and took time to reflect on his mother, the nation’s sweetheart, Princess Diana of Wales, who was on her way to a branch of McDonalds in the Paris suburb of Batignolles when her life was cruelly cut short by her father-in-law or a drunk French motorist, according to the official version of events.
Meanwhile, royal watcher and critic, Simon Williams, said, “Personally, I think it’s disgusting.
“All these new branches of Lidl the nation has been promised aren’t just going to open themselves.”