Leaving the royal family behind is impossible unless you’re willing to commit to it 100%, according to Princess Diana from a secret tropical location this morning.
As Harry and Meghan begin the lengthy process of extricating themselves from centuries of tradition and a world he was born into rather than living in by choice, Diana has spoken out in defence of her son and offered some advice.
“I get it, that family is an absolute carnival of arseholes, so if leaving is an option, then why wouldn’t you consider it?
“William, my poor lad, has churned out enough heirs now that Harry doesn’t have to worry about being King, so why not just up sticks leave?
“It’s not easy though, trust me. You can try asking politely, you can try using the courts and the laws of the land to leave, but you won’t be able to. Ever. There is, unfortunately, only one solution.
“I found mine in a convenient Parisian tunnel and with a surprisingly friendly group of people-smugglers who brought me here just over twenty years ago.
“To everyone on this island I’m slightly-posh-Tracy from Egham, and I cut hair to make a living. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists across the Internet have told us, “I fucking KNEW it!”
They went on, “I’ve been obsessed with this case for twenty years, and Diana herself for fifteen years before that. There was so much wrong with that accident that it had to be staged.
“Though I understand why she did it, the press can be awful – imagine having so many people utterly obsessed with you.
“What? No, my obsession is very different.”