Thursday 9 January 2020 by Chris Ballard

We’re Harry and Meghan Skywalker now, reveal Sussexes


Harry and Meghan Skywalker

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are rejecting their evil lineage for one they like better.

Harry and Meghan have announced that they’re stepping back from their roles as senior royals because they don’t want their children to follow the Dark Side of the Force.

“After months of discussion and reflection it was a meeting with grandad over the holidays that finally made up our minds,” explained Harry.

“His mainly dead, emaciated body was hanging next to the Christmas tree on some weird life-support crane. He begged Meghan to kill him so his soul could live on inside her.

“The whole thing really freaked her out and frankly wasn’t very Christmassy.

“And then Uncle Andrew came in with the Nonces of Ren asking if we’d seen a young girl they were desperately hunting.

“Add in the fact that Dad keeps throwing Gran down shafts and blowing her up only for her to come back from the dead and it’s just not the environment we want our children to be brought up in.

“So no more of that for us! We’re off to live in the Canadian wilderness as the Skywalkers. We hope that you will all respect our privacy at this difficult time.”

The Queen responded to the announcement by saying, “I feel the hate flowing through you. Good. Gooood!

“Don’t think that this is the end! If you will not live as taxpayer-funded public relations disasters then perhaps your children will!

“There is no escaping the Dark Side of the press!”

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