Prince Andrew’s non-cooperation with the FBI is down to bad timing and his love for a deep pan Fiorentina, it has emerged.
The FBI has repeatedly asked ‘why won’t Andrew speak to us’, but the answer is now clear – he had his mouth full at the time.
But the Queen’s second son hit back, telling reporters, “I wasn’t ignoring them, it’s just that I had a Buy One Get One Free offer at the Woking branch and only a fool with absolutely nothing to hide whatsoever would pass up an opportunity like that.”
Indeed, Andrew insists he’s a big fan of the FBI ever since watching Mulder and Scully investigate the disappearance of a young psychic girl at the hands of a powerful nonce during the 1990s.
Former wife, Sarah Ferguson, said “That was one of his favourite X-Files, though I can’t think why. He’d watch it over and over again until the laser on the DVD wore out.”
Andrew’s appearance at a special FBI hearing now hinges on whether the date coincides with the unveiling of Pizza Express’ new Guiseppe Calzone, available at selected branches, including – handily for the Prince – Woking.
Woking-born waitress, petite Fiona Bankcroft, who is of legal age, today confirmed Andrew’s claim that he was happily tucking into pizza at the time he should have been giving evidence to the US law enforcement agency.
“It was nine inches and thick around the edges,” she beamed.
Pizza Express branch manager and now close personal friend of Andrew, Simon Williams, said, “He might lack empathy, but he’ll never go short of black pepper.”