Tuesday 11 August 2020 by Gary Stanton

Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles


Russian covid vaccine to be rolled out to salisbury doorhandles

The highly promising Russian COVID vaccine is to be tested in now the customary manner – by applying it furtively to doorknobs in the Greater Wiltshire area, it has emerged.

Despite rigorous drug trials lasting nearly eight weeks, Russian leader Putin is in need of a series of unwitting, human guinea pigs before the drug can be safely rolled out in the motherland.

Plans are already afoot to send a couple of inconspicuous ex-KGB agents over on a sightseeing tour of Salisbury with a perfume bottle full of the stuff.

Assuming not too many people die during the first wave of knob-based vaccinations, the drug will be left more widely behind shops in both Swindon and Gloucester.

The historic market town of Salisbury attracted Russian visitors in their droves throughout March 2018, owing to its magnificent architecture and twelfth-century clock – something everyone should witness before dying prematurely from a carelessly discarded nerve agent.

Observers are hoping the trials will prove a success and the results will form the basis of a stimulating BBC documentary series, starring that bloke out of The Bill.

Russian agent and part-time biochemist, Sergei Willyamski, said, “Vaccine program is big chance for Sergei to see Salisbury, which is famous throughout Russia since Magenta de Vine’s Rough Guide to Wiltshire went out of print in the late 1980s.

“We simply apply drug to doorknob while you do shopping and when come back and touching the face – hey presto – no more raging temperature, feeling like the shit and strain on National Health Service.”

He added, “Drug is safer than nuclear reactor of the kind that only killed 93 people, according to official figures, near Chernobyl.

“Besides – one’s man’s bio-weapon is another man’s panacea.”

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