Gary Stanton

Switching the heating on now is like handing victory to the Russians, insist male UK tight-arses

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People across Britain experiencing the first autumn chills have discovered a new obstacle to putting the heating on this morning.

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Majority of Paralympians ‘fit enough for work’, claims Work and Pensions Secretary

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Workshy Paralympians face cuts to their disability benefits under tight new proposals from Work and Pensions Secretary, Therese Coffey.

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Afghan refugees to be assessed for fruit-picking skills

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Afghan refugees are to be welcomed into Britain based on their fruit picking ability, it has emerged.

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Sir Keir Starmer declares war on “Kes”

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Following Ken Loach’s expulsion from Labour, coiffeured party leader, Keir Starmer has attacked a baby kestrel with a brick.

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Vaccine Inventor Barbie’s boyfriend Ken is anti-vax Covid denier

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After a new Barbie doll based on Oxford vaccine creator Dame Sarah Gilbert was revealed, it has emerged that her male equivalent, Ken, is a Covid-denying arsehole.

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RNLI rescues Nigel Farage from drowning in his own toxic bullshit

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Former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, has been rescued by the RNLI after being consumed by a tidal wave of his own toxic faeces.

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I won’t play for a ‘discriminated audience’ insists man who happily supported Enoch Powell

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Eric Clapton will no longer play in front of ‘discriminated audiences’ in an astonishing break with a fifty-year tradition, it has emerged.

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Episode of Location Location Location marred by impromptu wildlife massacre

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A couple’s house-hunting adventure has been tarnished by property expert Phil Spencer’s itchy trigger finger.

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Worldwide anger at David Baddiel for singlehandedly funding Israeli strikes on Gaza

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Fucking head-the-balls worldwide are holding popular Jewish comic, David Baddiel, entirely responsible for the Israeli strikes on Gaza, it has emerged.

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Chinese rocket debris crash lands in Keir Starmer’s back garden

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A shit week for Keir Starmer has ended on a low note with Chinese space junk wrecking his expansive back garden.

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