Articles By Gary Stanton

Charity shops overwhelmed by sudden surge in donations of M&S waistcoats

Following England’s 4-0 drubbing at the hands of Hungary, charity shops across the country have this morning been besieged by donations of precision-tailored M&S waistcoats.

Traumatised American schoolchildren offered safe haven in Ukraine

American kids at risk of gun violence have been offered sanctuary in the Donbas region of Ukraine, it has emerged today.

Tim Westwood to stop talking like a black teenager in case it harms his defence

Former bad ass DJ Tim Westwood has stunned his legal team by discussing his impending case with a cut-glass accent and received pronunciation this morning.

World

Russian flagship Moskva on patriotic new mission to investigate sea bed, insists Kremlin

The recently hydrated Russian warship “Moskva” has been redeployed to carry out scientific investigations at the bottom of the sea, according to a reliable Kremlin source.

Russian cosmonauts were merely paying homage to Everton’s 2013 away kit, insists Kremlin

Cosmonauts kitted out in the colours of the Ukrainian flag are merely massive fans of perennial relegation-battlers, Everton FC, the Kremlin has claimed.

Putin goes nuclear with barbaric claim that Ukrainian leader Zelensky wrote material for Michael McIntyre

Russia’s propaganda machine went into top gear last night with a devastating claim that the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, wrote gags for popular standup act Michael McIntyre.

Not having kids is ‘selfish’, insists head of world’s largest organised paedophile ring

Childless couples are selfish to the core of their miserable hearts, says the boss of the world’s largest cabal of nonces, Pope Francis.

Newcastle boss Steve Bruce lured to Saudi embassy to ‘discuss transfer window’

Steve Bruce will meet with fifteen loyal associates of Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman at the Saudi embassy later today to “mull over the transfer window”.

Sir Keir Starmer to defect to the Conservatives after becoming disillusioned with his own leadership

One of three possible Labour defections to the Tories is rumoured to be party activist Sir Keir Starmer, it has emerged.

Major rail incident declared as Huey Lewis found riding train without credit card

British Transport Police were called upon earlier today to resolve a dispute involving rock legend Huey Lewis.

Switching the heating on now is like handing victory to the Russians, insist male UK tight-arses

People across Britain experiencing the first autumn chills have discovered a new obstacle to putting the heating on this morning.

Majority of Paralympians ‘fit enough for work’, claims Work and Pensions Secretary

Workshy Paralympians face cuts to their disability benefits under tight new proposals from Work and Pensions Secretary, Therese Coffey.

Afghan refugees to be assessed for fruit-picking skills

Afghan refugees are to be welcomed into Britain based on their fruit picking ability, it has emerged.

Sir Keir Starmer declares war on “Kes”

Following Ken Loach’s expulsion from Labour, coiffeured party leader, Keir Starmer has attacked a baby kestrel with a brick.

Vaccine Inventor Barbie’s boyfriend Ken is anti-vax Covid denier

After a new Barbie doll based on Oxford vaccine creator Dame Sarah Gilbert was revealed, it has emerged that her male equivalent, Ken, is a Covid-denying arsehole.

RNLI rescues Nigel Farage from drowning in his own toxic bullshit

Former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, has been rescued by the RNLI after being consumed by a tidal wave of his own toxic faeces.

I won’t play for a ‘discriminated audience’ insists man who happily supported Enoch Powell

Eric Clapton will no longer play in front of ‘discriminated audiences’ in an astonishing break with a fifty-year tradition, it has emerged.

Episode of Location Location Location marred by impromptu wildlife massacre

A couple’s house-hunting adventure has been tarnished by property expert Phil Spencer’s itchy trigger finger.

Worldwide anger at David Baddiel for singlehandedly funding Israeli strikes on Gaza

Fucking head-the-balls worldwide are holding popular Jewish comic, David Baddiel, entirely responsible for the Israeli strikes on Gaza, it has emerged.

Chinese rocket debris crash lands in Keir Starmer’s back garden

A shit week for Keir Starmer has ended on a low note with Chinese space junk wrecking his expansive back garden.

Jersey crisis escalates as France axes Bergerac from TV schedules

As the Jersey crisis threatened to boil over like a carelessly administered Hollandaise sauce, France has vowed to axe all future screenings of classic British detective drama, Bergerac.

Bill Gates admires his 5G surveillance system

Bill Gates and wife to divorce after she discovers his massive 5G surveillance lab

Bill Gates and his wife Melinda are running on separate platforms as of this morning, according to reports.

Tories to replace Boris Johnson with Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

Boris Johnson – the Laurence Llewelyn Bowen of British politics – is set to be replaced by the real-life flamboyant “homestyle consultant”, according to reports.

Alarm raised as entire UK finds itself agreeing with Gary Neville

The whole UK has been placed at Shock Level 2 after citizens found themselves agreeing with Sky Sports gobshite Gary Neville.

Priti Patel facing ten years behind bars after causing ‘serious annoyance, distress and inconvenience’

Priti Patel is facing ten years banged up like a slag when her new policing bill is accepted by parliament this week.

Metropolitan Police announce crackdown on Mothers’ Day celebrations

Following last night’s exuberance at the vigil for Sarah Everard, the Metropolitan Police are gearing up to teach your Mum an important fucking lesson today.