Childless couples are selfish to the core of their miserable hearts, says the boss of the world’s largest cabal of nonces, Pope Francis.
Addressing what he referred to as a “demographic winter”, the Pope lashed out at people who prefer the pleasant company of dogs and cats to some shrieking brat that’s glued to its fucking smartphone.
“The practice of having a budgie or buying Winalot Mixer at the supermarket diminishes our humanity and denies us the right to exercise influence over a minor – such as a son or neighbour’s daughter,” he told reporters.
“You ever tried to fuck a dog? Good luck with that my friend.”
The Pope went on to add that men firing blanks should consider adoption or a full-time career in the priesthood.
However, the Pope later drew flak from childless man, Simon Williams, who lacks a purpose in life other than taking his dog for a walk on the common.
Williams said, “Rover here is my emotional support animal, whom I’ve had since I was buggered by a man in a frock while attending a Roman Catholic seminary.
“Go on fetch the ball lad!”
Staring into the distance, Williams recalled his various suicide bids and subsequent drug abuse, which, he says, were a means to block out the fact that he was the Cardinal’s “favourite boy”.
“So, if it’s all the same to you, I’ll think twice before taking parenting advice from an organisation that has resisted most, if not all, attempts to denoncify it.”
Williams added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a fucking parrot to feed.”