Traumatised American schoolchildren offered safe haven in Ukraine

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American kids at risk of gun violence have been offered sanctuary in the Donbas region of Ukraine, it has emerged today. 

The offer from Ukrainian President Zelensky is in return for American generosity in the form of heavy weapons, many of which can be bought on any US high street without a licence. 

With over 17,000 gun deaths so far this year, many of them children, US youngsters are statistically more likely to live to see their tenth birthday if they live under heavy shelling from inaccurate Russian artillery than in a Texas classroom. 

Since the Russian invasion, many Ukrainian homes lie empty awaiting an influx of traumatised children from states across the US. 

US soccer mom, Simone Williams, said, “I heard those Russians get kinda rapey, but it sure is worth it so that my boy Todd can play in safety next to a Ukrainian nuclear power station that’s constantly being shelled by teenage conscripts.

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“Sure as shit, I wouldn’t get this sorta piece of mind in Texas.”

Mrs Williams then turned her head slightly and spat on the ground like they do in America and places like that.

Son Todd, 7, and hoping to reach 8, said, “Aww shucks, I don’t mind living under the constant fear of nuclear or biological attack if it means I can get through a Geography lesson without being ventilated by a grudge-weilding former student.”

He added, “Hey mister – do they have a McDonalds in Luhansk?”