Following another mass shooting that has left 19 school children dead, author of the Second Amendment, James Madison, has angrily spoken out from beyond the grave to insist he meant the ‘right to bear arms that existed in 1791’.
The Second Amendment to the US Constitution is one of the most contentious parts of the US Bill of Rights, and Madison has finally seen enough bloodshed to necessitate an intervention in ongoing policy debate.
Speaking through a qualified medium just outside Las Vegas, he said, “Let me be clear about this – the pro-gun lobby really pisses me off.
“And trust me, I’ll tell the pro-gun lawmakers exactly that, right to their faces when they eventually get here – which if they keep misinterpreting my intentions could well be a lot sooner than they think.
“The fact that I wrote the amendment in 1791 should be an absolutely massive hint as to my intentions regarding assault rifles, don’t you think?
“I was perfectly happy for people to have a muzzle-loaded single-shot musket for home protection – 1791 America was a dangerous place. Not as ‘Disney is too woke for my kids’ dangerous, I mean actual not made up hallucinated dangerous.
“But I was safe in the knowledge no one was ever going to go on a killing spree, as they’d have to be within ten feet of you to be sure of hitting you, and would need a couple of minutes or so reloading their musket before having another go.”
Madison also explained his dismay at the use of his words to promote weaponry he could not even have conceived of back in 1791.
He continued, “A rifle capable of firing dozens of bullets in just a few seconds, which can be reloaded even more quickly, kills reliably from hundreds of yards away and is available in every shopping mall to any unstable moron that wants one? Jesus H Christ, are you people mental?
“I suppose in fifty years time you people will be claiming it was my intention all along that every American should have the right to carry a laser capable of slicing you into pieces from a mile away?”
Pro-gun lobbyists have reacted angrily to Madison’s outburst, insisting he clearly doesn’t have the first clue about what he meant when he wrote the Second Amendment all those years ago.
An NRA spokesperson said, “How dare he tell me how to decide what he meant by telling me what he meant?
“What gives him the right to speak out about the intention of the words he wrote down himself, which I have subsequently decided to interpret in support of my pro-gun arguments?
“No, I think I know much better than James Madison what James Madison intended.”