Sunday 15 August 2021 by Gary Stanton

Sir Keir Starmer declares war on “Kes”


Keir Starmer

Following Ken Loach’s expulsion from Labour, coiffeured party leader, Keir Starmer has attacked a baby kestrel with a brick.

Starmer’s Islington neighbours were woken at 6am this morning by a commotion, during which the Labour Leader was observed scaling a tree containing a nest of the well-known bird of prey, Falco tinnunculus.

Loach is best known for his gritty social realism, depicted in film such as “I, Daniel Blake”, about a benefit’s scrounger, Kes, and Happy Feet 3 – The Heroin Years.

However, the director attracted criticism after refusing to acknowledge antisemitism within the Labour ranks.

He later added to the controversy by casting doubt over whether he would ever work with Woody Allen – even if it was a film about a shy Palestinian freedom fighter dating a Jewish girl, who uses his innate wit to win over her parents and evade border checks.

Neighbour, Simon Williams, said, “Sir Keir seemed keen to erase any trace of Loach’s legacy, with a series of dull thuds aimed at the fledgling’s nape.

“He then went on to attack a merlin, two sparrowhawks and an osprey, which I’ll admit is pretty unusual for North London.

“The guy was clearly in a rage and was mumbling something about backstabbers and the National Executive Committee.”

Williams added, “The last time I saw him this animated was when he was detailing a legal technicality at the despatch box.

“Fair dos, though. When he came down from the tree, not a single hair on his head was out of place.

“That’s leadership.”

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