Metropolitan Police announce crackdown on Mothers’ Day celebrations

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Following last night’s exuberance at the vigil for Sarah Everard, the Metropolitan Police are gearing up to teach your Mum an important fucking lesson today.

As mothers across Britain prepared to fling open their doors to well-meaning sons and daughters, the Met insisted ‘don’t try my patience sweetheart’.

The news comes as Marjorie Williams, together with son Simon and daughter Simone, were kettled as they prepared to celebrate her special day with tea and cakes on a lawn in Esher.

Simon Williams said, “It’s the first time we’ve seen Mum in over a year, so I was rather taken aback when three mounted police came charging over the hedge firing off tear gas canisters.

“They have charged us with breaching the Coronavirus restrictions and issued Mum with a caution regarding the length of her skirt.”

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Met Police Superintendent, Jack Goodier, who has just returned from questioning an informant in a sleazy bar where there’s a stripper, said, “That’s for Greenham Common you slag.

“Now put your knickers on love and go and make us a cup of tea.”

The Williams family have been left deeply distressed by the whole experience and have complained that DS Goodier resembles a rather one-dimensional character from an eighties’ cop show who is battling his inner demons or some shit.

Marjorie, 62, who was fully-clothed throughout her ordeal, added, “I’m so terribly upset. The horses have completely ruined my rhododendrons.

“On the plus side, they never opened up the garage. There’s enough crack in there to placate an army of Colombian insurgents.”